


Between the Falling and the First Step is Love

by Zaccari



Series: The Between verse [2]
Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Community: spn_j2_bigbang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-05
Updated: 2012-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-30 15:27:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaccari/pseuds/Zaccari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s this rumour…well, maybe urban myth is a better term, but it goes something like once you’ve over come that one truly huge obstacle of actually getting together, what comes after that is all milk and honey. Right? Whoever came up with that bullshit has never been a relationship with the world’s stubbornest Oklahoman, have they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between the Falling and the First Step is Love

~Jared’s POV~

I’ve been gone too long.

When I realise I’m already at the pitiful excuse for a road that leads to the farm, with no real memory of how I got here, that’s the only thing that occurs to me - I’ve been gone too long this time. It’s what stops the sedan I swear I only keep for airport commutes and gets me staring at the horizon, even when Christian is barely five minutes away.

Funny what hits you when you’re way past the feeling of tired and strung out from travelling, isn’t it? 

In the nine or so months Chris and I have been doing the together thing I seem to do this more often than not, arrive at this very turn off and wonder how I got here without killing myself for all I remember about the drive. But once I have stopped I always realise that I need the minute or two, alone, to shake off the Hollywood that’s all over me and just breathe out. It’s not something Chris knows I do, but it’s become a tiny piece of ritual that I need to remind myself that whatever I’ve left behind, it’s not real.

The real thing is waiting for me. 

And fuck, I’ve missed him. Then again, I always do. And it’s not like I didn’t expected it, being in Prague filming for eight very long weeks, but I never expected to miss the nothingness of this land as well as the everything that is Chris. This is Oklahoma, we’re not talking lush hills and picturesque rivers lined with trees here. We’re talking flat plains of not a whole lot, especially out here, and it’s home in a way that nothing has been since San Antonio. 

It’s also home in a way that not even San Antone ever was either. Because it has Christian.

And when it all boils down, I think that’s why I always stop. To remind myself that it’s all okay, I’m home now.

Climbing back into the car, I can’t help smiling to myself as I restart the engine. Filming on this shoot was a lot like Supernatural in that it had more night shots than any one film should have, and since I still suck at sleeping through the day – exhausted or not - I decided to put the down time to a very good use and improve my hands on skills. I’m hoping when I get to massage Chris this time he’ll notice some improvement.

But if we get caught up in feeling each other up, that’d be okay too. 

The farm’s quiet when I pull up beside the barn. Yes, I should put the car away, I won’t use it again until it’s time to go back and be an actor, but right now there’re more important things to do.

Like find my man. And work out where everybody is. I could have my days ass backwards, but I thought it was Tuesday and Christian was due to have some kids out today. Maybe even Gemma if I’m really lucky. Checking my phone tells me that it is Tuesday and looking around, I’m starting to move from confused into concerned. 

As I get out of the car I start to really look around. The world’s most docile dog’s not here, but Chris’ truck is. The horses are in the barn and they’ve been watered. The soil of the vegetable patch is wet too.

Concern moves into panic when I go to open the back door and almost break my nose because the handle turns but the door stays shut. It’s locked. Fishing my keys from my pocket I get the fucking thing open and start yelling.

“Christian! Baby, I’m home! Christian? Where the fuck are you, man?”

There are dishes in the kitchen sink. Chris never, ever leaves dishes in the sink.

Never.

The screaming ‘wrong, wrong, wrong’ in my brain has me taking the stairs two at a time and heading straight for our bedroom.

The bed’s made.

I should call Robbie, he’s the one that comes out twice a week and helps Chris. Or Brandon, he might be at his place in town. But no, I push the first name on my phone that I can actually focus on.

Steve.

I swear it rings for an hour before he answers it.

“Jared, you’re back. Fuck, of course you’re back. Man, you just caught me, I’m just about to get a flight out. Don’t worry about getting somebody to meet me. Jen’ll be there tomorrow and I think Dave is-“

Steve’s words are broken, like he’s trying to talk and run at the same time.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Where’s Christian?”

“What do you…when did you get back from Prague, Jay?”

“Last night. I stayed in L.A. and caught a flight this morning. Where’s Chris?”

“Nobody rang you?”

Enough is enough, there’s only one question I need the answer to.

“Where the fuck is Christian, Steve?”

“Fuck, Jared, I really thought somebody would have called you, I thought you knew.”

“Just fucking telling me!”

I know I’m screaming, I can hear my voice echo around the bedroom.

“He was airlifted to Oklahoma City yesterday afternoon, Jay. He…he fell.”

“He…”

My legs fold under me like God took away their bones and my hip slams against the wall a second before my ass hits the floor. If I could feel anything I’m sure there’d be pain.

“Jared?”

“When…what…”

Why?

“We don’t know when, Brandon came out to see him and found him unconscious. He, ahh, he fell from his horse, Jared, they think something must have spooked it.”

Christian isn’t meant to ride when there’s nobody around. Just in case, his doctor said, and he promised he wouldn’t.

The doctor. And me.

“Is…”

The word trails off and any some many words that could follow my hiss just hang there. Because I can’t think of how to make any one of my questions something that won’t bring me bad news.

“Last I heard he was in surgery, Jay, I’m sorry. I don’t know anything else. He’s at Mercy, though. It’s the hospital he transferred to when he could finally leave L.A. after the accident.”

I think that answers everything that could follow my ‘is’.

“Jared, they’re calling my flight. I’m on my way, okay? So is Jen. We’ll see you there, yeah?”

Why is that a question? Why wouldn’t I be there? I’m Chris’ boyfriend. His partner.

“Yeah. I’ll see you, Steve.”

It’s not until I’m trying to hang up on Steve that I realise I’m shaking.

Chris fell. From a horse he was never meant to ride. 

I just left Oklahoma City, and now I’m not sure I can remember how to get back there. My mind’s on an out of control spin cycle that I don’t know how to stop with a thousand thoughts trying, and failing, to grab my attention? Should I be calling somebody, telling them Christian has been hurt? Are there arrangements I have to make? How do I get off the floor?

It’s the last of my own questions I decide I need to figure out, but it still takes me three attempts to get my legs to hold me up, and even then I’m leaning against the wall rather than trusting them to continue to do their job. My hands scrub through my hair before dragging down over my face. Why are my hands wet?

Everything is blurry too. I’m crying, logically I know that, but you know what? Fuck logic. It’s doing nothing for me right now so I’m not gonna wait any time on it either. 

There’s no telling how long I stand there, crying, with the whole house being my crutch but when I finally clear my eyes I see Christian’s favourite bracelet on the bedside table. He doesn’t wear jewellery like he used to, but his momma’s fleur de lis bracelet is the one he keeps with him. It should be with him.

I should be with him.

I have to go.

Pocketing the bracelet I’m heading back down the stairs, though this time it’s a very deliberate one at a time function. Without questioning it, I do Christian’s dishes, he hates them sitting in the sink over night, and quietly I walk back out to the car I’m vaguely grateful I didn’t put away. The engine is running and I’m almost out of the drive before I back up and water the garden that doesn’t need watering.

Then I drive down the farm’s entry road and turn left onto the road that’ll eventually take me to the highway. Eventually because the direct route is actually a right turn. I’m going to the hospital. The one Christian was airlifted to, the one he transferred to.

And all I can do is wonder if I was still in Prague would he be dead and buried when I finally got home? 

The trip to the hospital should take me an hour and a half tops.

Four hours have gone by when I finally walk in the door.

~*~

“Jared!”

Mrs Kane’s hands are over her mouth and her eyes wide as soon as my name leaves her mouth. It’s shock, I guess, though I’ve got no idea if it’s form the fact she forgot about me or the fact I’m here. I don’t know if they knew where I was or when I was due home.

“Ma’am.”

I’m trying to smile as I nod, but I tuck my hands in my pockets rather than reach out to her or Christian’s dad.

Steve’s already here, he’s sitting beside the seat that’s empty because Mrs Kane is standing now. Steve calls Chris’ mom ‘Mrs K’, or just plain ‘Mom’.

“Is there any news?”

My mom raised me better than this, she’d tan my hide if she could see me right now. Mom, that’s who I can call. I should call.

“He’s back in surgery, son. They had to stop the bleeding last night when they brought him in, then do all kinds of x-rays and MRIs, so they could know what they were dealing with before they starting setting bones. And…and also to make sure his brain could deal with the extended anaesthetic.”

It’s easier to look at Chris’ dad as he answers me than it is to acknowledge the lady standing in the middle of the room wondering what to do with me.

“Have you spoken to him, Sir?”

“He hadn’t regained consciousness when they took him to surgery, Jared.”

“Oh.”

“Mama, come sit back down.”

Steve’s standing beside Mrs Kane now, looking at me like I’ve grown three extra heads in the last two minutes and I can’t say I blame him. He gets her to sit back down though and I’m kind of wondering what I’m supposed to say next. Because, you know, my ‘oh’ was so eloquent. 

It’s not that Chris’ parents hate me, or hate that their son is gay. They couldn’t hate Chris if he suddenly became a serial killer. It’s more that they don’t know me. My work takes me away for months and when I’m home, we tend to stay home. They’re not being mean. It’s not that they don’t want me here. They’ll want all of Chris’ family and friends around them

Brandon’s here, sitting beside Jenny. Jason’s in the chair next to Steve. Other people will be coming, Dave, Jen, Riley, they’ll all be here.

I should ask what’s wrong, what’s happened, shouldn’t I? That totally explains why I’m heading back out the door that’s barely closed from me coming in.

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

My legs can’t move quickly enough, I have to get out of here. I can’t be here. I’m fumbling with my phone as I walk so fast I’m damn near running. I don’t want anybody following me and I end up hiding away from the building, with my back braced against an oak tree. I don’t need a shoulder or a lecture.

There’s one thing I do need though.

Thank god for speed dial, I don’t have to stop crying to make a phone call.

“Hey, little brother, what’s up?”

“C-Chr-ris…”

“Jared? Take a breath, okay, one long, deep one, then try again.”

Jeff waits the minute or two it takes me to gather enough control to speak.

“C-Chris is…hospital.”

“Where? Jared, tell me where and I’m on my way.”

“Oklah-homa City. M-mercy.”

“Keep breathing, Jared, you don’t have to speak, just keep breathing.”

I can hear Jeff as he talks to his wife, telling Kelly I need him and can she pack a bag while Jeff organises a flight. I can even hear him as he gets on the other phone to book said flight. One leaves in an hour, he’ll only have carry on, he can make it.

“You d-don’t have to drop everything for me, J-jeff.”

“Yeah, I do. You’re my brother, you need me, I’m coming. Will you be okay until I get there? Have you called Mom or Megan?”

“Yes. And no. I just got here, I haven’t…”

Done much of anything really.

“I’ll call both of them on the way to the airport. Kelly’s getting the car out, I’m on my way, okay? Keep telling yourself that.”

“He fell, Jeff.”

“Fuck.”

That about sums it up.

“Jay, I have to go. I’ll call everybody and I’ll let you know as soon as I land, yeah?”

“Yeah. Jeff?”

“What, little brother?”

“Thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for, Jared, this is what family does.”

He hangs up, but not before I hear Kelly tell him to get a move on. Somebody’s coming for me now, I can do this. 

No, I can’t, but I’m going to, and five minutes later my phone is on vibrate in my pocket as I push away from the tree and start towards the hospital entrance. Colour me anything but surprised to see that Steve is waiting for me.

“You okay?”

My nod is punctuated with a shrug.

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

This time there’s just a nod and no words.

“Mama and Mr K didn’t mean to forget to call you, you know that don’t you?”

My attempt at a shrug fails this time, because I can’t even fake the effort a noncommittal movement would take. Some actor I am. It hurts that I wasn’t called, it fucking hurts like somebody tried to rip my chest open with blunt fingernails. But Chris is in the hospital, with people trying to stop him from dying, and that feels like those blunt fingernails are ripping open my chest and shredding my heart to pieces. 

“It’s not important.” 

Not now anyway.

I know there’s probably more Steve wants to say, but this isn’t the time or place for either of us to push it right now.

See I can do polite.

“Let’s head inside, Jay, the surgeon is meant to be coming out with an update soon.”

As I follow Steve back to the waiting room full of people that apparently forgot about me I realise I still don’t know what’s wrong with Chris, other than he fell from a horse and he hasn’t woken up since. Am I supposed to ask?

Do I have to?

Maybe. Probably. But I’m not going to. I’ll just keep pretending it can’t be as bad as I think it is.

Everybody looks at me when we walk back in. Steve sits down beside Mrs Kane again. Jason’s moved and the seat beside Steve is empty now. I wonder who it’s empty for, because the seat I take is on the opposite wall, where nobody else is sitting. I’m not trying to be contrary, really, I’m not.

Five minutes later my phone vibrates and without even looking I know it’s Mom. I’m about to leave the room and talk to her when a lady dressed in green scrubs and red blood walks in. Everybody with the exception of me are on their feet and looking at her like she’s the be all and end all of Christian’s world. And I guess she is, right?

“Doctor, how’s Christian? What’s happening? What’s taking so long?”

How long has he been in there? Why is Steve asking all the questions?

The doctor answers Christian’s parents though, not Steve.

“Mr Kane, Mrs Kane, we’ve managed to repair as much of Christian’s pelvis as we can, but you have to realise that it was already more metal than bone. We’ve had to set his right leg again.”

Broken pelvis, broken leg.

So why was he unconscious?

C’mon somebody, ask.

“And his head?”

“As I told you last night, all the cat scans and brain activity tests came back normal, but there is no doubt he hit his head hard when he came off the horse. I think you can put the unconsciousness down to a very nasty concussion and his body telling him that out cold was a much better way to cope with the amount of pain he must have been in.”

“When can we see him, Louise?”

I guess Mr and Mrs Kane have met this doctor before today.

“He’s going to be in intensive care for a while, and he’s also going to be in a medically induced coma for at least the next forty-eight hours while we monitor everything so that means I can only allow family in, Mike and Judith, Jenny and Brandon only, and even then only two at a time. I’m sorry.”

Nobody asks what about Jared. Not even me. 

“I’ll come get you as soon as he’s settled.”

Mrs Kane kisses her husband and hugs Steve, because he’s closest, then Brandon and Jenny in turn.

My phone vibrates again and that gets me standing up. Muttering an ‘excuse me’ at nobody in particular I head back out to my oak tree. 

One message from Megan, two from Mom.

Mom first. And she answers half way through the first ring.

“Jared? Baby, what’s happening?”

I can do this, I can get through one phone call to my Mom without bawling like a baby.

“I’m at the hospital. Chris was apparently riding yesterday and I guess he fell. He’s broken his pelvis and his leg, and, there’s a concussion. He, ahh, he’s coming out of surgery and being taken to intensive care.”

“Apparently? You guess? Jared, what on earth is going on? Talk to me, baby, please.”

“I…I flew back into L.A. last night. I was tired. Before I left Prague I told Chris I’d let him know when I landed, that I’d get some sleep and catch the first plane to Oklahoma I could. So I sent him a quick text, went to the house and passed out. I missed the first plane and when I got to the farm everything was quiet, Mom, and the dishes weren’t done.”

Because the dishes not being done is so very important.

“I couldn’t find Chris, so…so I called Steve. He said something about flying in and Jensen and David and I just wanted to know where Chris was. He thought that somebody had called me…”

“Jared?”

There’s a tone in Mom’s voice I should be paying attention to, isn’t there?

“I didn’t know, Mom. Nobody told me. Steve said he’d fallen, been airlifted…I got here maybe half an hour ago. Jeff’s on his way. I should pick him up and go…back to the farm, I guess.”

Mom probably knew most of that, but I’ve never known when to shut. 

“Jared? Why would you be going back to the farm? Why wouldn’t you be staying with Christian?”

“I…I’m not family. They won’t let me see him.”

The word my mother uses then is one I’ve never heard out of her mouth before and any other time it’d be side splitting funny.

“What do you mean you’re not family? I hope the Kane’s are giving that hospital what for until they let you see that boy.”

“No, Mom, they aren’t. They forgot about me yesterday, they’re not thinking about me now. They don’t know me, Mom, Steve’ll get in to see Christian before I will.”

“I’m on my way.”

“No, Mom, please don’t. Jeff’s coming, it’ll be okay. As long as Christian is okay, it’ll be fine, honest.”

“Jared, I know we don’t know Christian as well as we’d like, with your work and him not being able to travel that well, but we would never treat him like this if that was you in that hospital.”

“You can’t say that, Mom, you don’t know how you’d react if that was me. They’re stressed, and scared and I get that. I’ll call you if I need you, Mom, I promise.”

Yeah, I get it, completely, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have that hole in my chest that my insides are currently falling out of.

“Promise me, Jared. If you need me, it’ll only take a phone call.”

“I promise. Mom, I need to go back inside, I’ll call you again tonight. I love you.”

“I love you too, Jared. I’ll pray for Christian.”

“Thank you, Mom.”

At some point during the phone call I ended up sitting on the ground, I don’t remember when but I’m here, I might as well stay put while I get myself back into some kind of control. As long as I hang on until Jeff gets here, I’ll be okay. I can fall apart then. Jeff’ll hold me, he always has. Yes, it’s weird I know, but I can fall apart all over my brother, just not my mother.

Three hours. I can do it for three hours.

First though I have to get up off the ground. It’s damp under the tree and my jeans are wet now. I should go home and change.

Later, I’ll do it later. Right now I’ve got to suck it up for another hour or two until Jeff is here, and then I can…yeah, I’m fucked if I know what I can do then.

It’s harder than it should be to walk back into the waiting room feeling like I’ve been judged and found wanting. Mr and Mrs Kane are gone, and I’m not meeting anybody else’s eyes straight on, I just take my seat, away from everybody, and prepare to wait. My jeans are wetter than I thought and I’m blaming my shivering on that. It’s as good a reason as any.

~*~

Later, after I’ve completely lost all track of time, and the Kane’s have left the room three, maybe four times, I’m trying to find the meaning of the universe in the scuffed toes of my boots when the door opens again. I’m not bothering to look up though, it’ll just be somebody else that won’t get why I’m here.

“You can’t come in here, this is a private room.”

That was Brandon, self-appointed voice of the family.

“I’m Jeff Padalecki, Jared’s brother.”

“Jared?”

Jenny said my name like she’d forgotten I was here, or like she was wondering why I’d need some of my family here but I honestly don’t care. I’m on my feet and hugging my big brother as hard as I can.

“Thank you.”

“Stop thanking me, bro, but do you want to tell me what’s going on here?”

Jeff’s voice is just a hint of a whisper right against my ear so he can’t be over heard.

“Later.”

With one last, hard squeeze I step back, wondering if I’m meant to introduce Jeff. But then the door opens again and it’s David and Jamie; Jeff and I are completely forgotten about.

I should sit down and wait with everybody, shouldn’t I?

“Can we go back to the ranch, Jeff?”

The physical need to be anywhere other than here is actually making me hurt.

“We can do whatever you want, Jay. I took a taxi here so give me your keys and let’s go.”

Fishing my keys out of my pocket, I hand them over. It’d be polite to tell everybody I was leaving, wouldn’t it?

David’s looking at me strangely when I approach the huddle. I’d be worried about it if I wasn’t incapable of worrying about anything right now.

“Mr and Mrs Kane, Jeff and I are going to head back to the ranch now. I’m sure you’ll be staying in town, but there are extra beds at the farm if any of you need them.”

“You’re leaving?”

The way she says those words in my head translates into something like ‘you’re confirming my every worry about you being with my son?’

“There’s nothing I can do here, Ma’am, and the animals need tending to. I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.”

Jeff wraps an arm around my shoulder as I walk out, because I know that’s what I’m doing, walking out in every sense of the word. Mrs Kane probably wanted to say something else, but I’m too raw to listen.

This accident is a fucking nightmare, but it shouldn’t be causing my whole life to fall apart like it is. Guess I built a better foundation on the vegetable garden Chris wanted than we built for our relationship. How’s that for the king of all fuck ups?

We’re outside and almost to the car when Steve catches up with us, spinning me around and cocking his arm like he’s ready to fucking hit me.

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you.”

My brother is bigger than me so he damn near dwarfs Steve, and thinking better of it, Steve drops his fist.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going, Jared? Christian needs you, the Kane’s need you!”

Steve’s screaming and I can barely work up the energy to make my voice heard.

“Christian is in a coma, Steve, and the Kane’s have everybody they need in that waiting room already. I’m going home.”

“That’s it? Things are a little tough and you’re running? You remember everything I told you before you got together with Chris, about the last accident, and you’ve decided now it’s all too much? I thought you’d finally grown up, Jared. Hell of a way to prove me wrong, you prick.”

All I can do is stand there, offering up no justifications and just waiting for Steve to walk away. But he can’t resist one last parting taunt before he goes.

“Think about staying gone.”

Jeff catches me as my legs buckle under me again, making sure this time I stay almost upright.  
  


“I thought he was a friend of yours.”

“I did too. He’s worried, Jeff, that’s all.”

“And they think that gives them the right to take that out on you?”

“I don’t know what they think. Can we go home please?”

“Yeah, c’mon.”

I start crying half an hour out of town and don’t stop until two hours after I curl up on Chris’ side of the bed. After that, I’m still wide awake though, just out of tears.

~*~

At eight o’clock the following morning, which is a good two hours past the time Chris would be doing this, I’m feeding horses and really not ready when Brandon and Steve pull up next to the house. It’s easy to ignore them though, hoping Jeff will deal with them, the horses really do have to be looked after because the kids are meant to be coming out this afternoon. They come on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays like I thought, according to Chris’ chicken scratch notes in the diary. We’ll see what’s going on when I let Jane know what’s happened and I can’t do that for another half hour.

I’ve got a fork full of horseshit and hay when I hear Brandon speak.

“We thought you might need some help.”

“Why?”

The manure goes in the wheelbarrow before I drop the fork and grab a clean biscuit of hay. 

After breaking the hay up I carefully measure out the food for Mikey. I can’t help wondering if it was Mikey that threw Chris, and a split second later I decide I really don’t want to know.

“You look like you know what you’re doing, Jay.”

It’s Brandon that’s speaking, not Steve, though I probably would have ended up snarling no matter which one of them spoke.

“My name is Jared and why the fuck wouldn’t I know what I’m doing? I live here.”

“On and off.”

Carefully stepping away from the pitchfork and the stall I turn around to face Brandon. Right now who gives a fuck about Steve?

“If you’ve got something to say, Hart, say it. I’ve got fucking work to do.”

Up until right now, I liked Brandon as well as I knew him. Funny how something can instantaneously change, isn’t it?

“I just thought that cleaning stalls would be beneath you, that’s all.”

My fingers are digging into my palms so hard I can already feel them bruising.

“I get it, you suddenly don’t like me, you think I’m not good enough for your cousin or whatever the fuck you think, great. I would have thought there’d be more important things on your mind right now, but, hey, it looks like I’m wrong, I can admit that. I live here, when I’m here I do as much of the fucking work as I can, I’m your cousin’s fucking boyfriend whether you admit it or not and I am perfectly fucking capable of looking after the farm. I don’t know why both of you are here and I don’t fucking care, I have to get the horses ready in case the school is coming out this afternoon.”

I’m all of half a step away when Brandon speaks again.

“Why on earth would they still be coming? Once you tell them what’s happened, that Christian won’t be here, they’ll cancel. And as you so lovingly pointed out you’re Christian’s boyfriend, shouldn’t you be at the hospital? You know, the one you walked out of last night?”

Chris loves him, I can’t hit him. 

“I’ll call them and let them know what’s happened with Chris, but the kids need routine and believe it or not, I’m more than capable of helping with everything. You know what, maybe you and your family should come out here more often, then you’d fucking realise how much I do do, because Christian fucking can’t! As for the hospital, why the fuck do I have to be there? Nobody speaks to me, I can’t see Chris. I’m looking after shit that’s important to him, Brandon, I’m doing all I fucking can. Now just fucking leave. Both of you.”

Steve, who used to be a friend of mine, walks away with Brandon without having spoken a word. I’m losing my entire life at the moment, aren’t I?

I’m sure Brandon has more to say, he is part Kane after all, but I can’t take it. I can’t take any of this and I wish just one fucking person would acknowledge that.

~*~

~Jensen’s POV~

This is an episode of the Twilight Zone I could have lived without ever having, well, lived. I feel like Alice after she fell down the rabbit hole the second time - I know where I am, I know everybody here, I just don’t what the fuck is going on.

Steve’s acting like it’s Jared’s fault that Christian is back in the hospital, Brandon’s acting like, well, Christian would if Jenny’s husband dared to fuck her over.

And Jared? I have no idea what he’s acting like because when I got here last night he wasn’t at the hospital, and he hasn’t been there at all today either.

Sure, I asked where he was, but nothing I got in response qualified as an answer. However, I did get hostility, ignorance, and surprise as reactions to my simple question. So all in all, it’s fairly safe to say I have no idea.

To top it off, Jared has suddenly decided answering the phone is against his life’s mission. That much I do know, because I’ve left four messages on his cell and another five on the answering machine at the ranch.

But you know what they say, if the mountain won’t come to Jensen, Jensen can and will go to the stupid assed mountain, which is why I’m sitting in my rental at Chris’ ranch wondering about rabbits.

And why the tap on the window beside me scares the crap out of me.

Jeff.

He steps back as I open the door and gives me a short, hard hug after I’ve stepped out of the car.

“Jensen, I’m glad you’re here.” 

Why wouldn’t I be?

“Of course I’m here. Chris is-“

“I don’t mean Oklahoma, Jensen, I mean here, at Chris and Jared’s place.”

Oh, yeah, it is, isn’t it? I still think of it as just Chris’.

“What the fuck is going on, Jeff? And why is there a minivan here?”

“Come with me.”

There’s a thread of frustration through Jeff’s voice and I get the feeling I’ve let him down somehow, but I’m following him. I don’t think I’ll get to see Jared if I don’t.

He leads me to the back porch, where there’s a perfect view of the corral. Which in turn is a perfect view of Jared, a couple of other adults and maybe half a dozen kids.

“Oh.”

Jeff snorts.

“Yeah. Oh.”

I’m not close enough to see specifics, but I can see Jared and a blonde leading two horses around the yard. I can hear the voices of children, but I can’t tell if it’s those on the horses, or the ones waiting their turn.

“Please tell me what’s going on, Jeff.”

“Over there? Jared’s making sure the kids that come out from the special needs school don’t have their much needed routine fucked up, though I think Gemma has asked where Chris is about five thousand times by now, and Jared’s convinced she won’t get on a horse without him.”

Gemma, Chris and Jared have both mentioned Gemma.

“And what’s not over there?”

I should be looking at Jeff, making eye contact, I know that, but I can’t stop watching Jared as he lifts one child from the saddle, sitting him back down in a wheelchair before offering his hand to a little girl and just waiting more patiently than I’ve ever seen him do anything for her to take it.

I’ve never wanted to hug my son for being a perfectly normal brat more than I do right now.

“What’s not over there is a fucking mess, Jensen. I could happily fucking knock both Steve and Brandon out.”

“They feel much the same way about Jared. Would you mind telling me why?”

Because Steve is Jared’s friend, and Brandon adores Chris so it stands to reason that he really shouldn’t be ready to commit grievous bodily harm against his boyfriend.

“Nobody called Jared to tell him what had happened. Jared thinks it’s okay because Chris’ family is hurting and scared, I think it’s bullshit. When Chris came out of surgery they’d only let family in, nobody asked about Jared. Chris’ family has not given a second’s thought to Jay, and I get that they’re going through a lot but if his name was Whitney-“

That gets me facing Jeff.

“No, no and no. Christian’s family are not homophobes.”

“So it’s Jared they don’t like then?”

Looking at me like he expects an answer, the smile on Jeff’s face is vaguely feral. Thankfully Jeff doesn’t wait for an answer I can’t give him.

“Everybody is hurting, Jensen. The Kane’s, you, the rest of Christian’s friends, but I’m concerned about my brother not the rest of you, and he is falling apart from the pain. He couldn’t stay in that waiting room and be ignored like he wasn’t important. He doesn’t need Steve telling him the Kane’s need him when they can’t even say his name, he doesn’t fucking need Brandon coming out here and…and making him feel like a temporary visitor in Christian’s life. He needs a fucking acknowledgement that he is someone when it comes to Christian.”

My mouth opens then closes again, I’ve got nothing.

“Jared’s doing what he can, Jensen. Looking after the ranch so Chris has a home to come back to. Feeding the animals, watering the vegetable garden, crying when he thinks I can’t hear him, he’s trying to cope. I’m here to protect him from people I shouldn’t have to protect him from, which is exactly what I’m going to do.”

“He’s not coming to the hospital today.”

It’s not a question, I know the answer.

“Do you honestly think he’s been made to feel like he’d be welcome?”

Apparently not.

“I have to go back, everybody’s expecting me.”

“And nobody’s expecting Jay. That about sums it all up, doesn’t it?”

Turning back to Jared, I see he’s got the little girl he was talking to before on the horse. He’s not touching her, though I can see his mouth moving so I know he’s talking to her.

“Which one is Gemma?”

“The little girl with dark curls, sitting on the fence by herself.”

“Chris loves that little girl.”

“So does Jared.”

“You won’t be telling him I was here, will you?”

“No.”

“I’m going to talk to them, Jeff.”

“Suit yourself, Jen. Jay won’t thank you if you do.”

This is a huge fucking clusterfuck.

“Look after him, Jeff.”

“He’s my brother, Jensen, and that’s what family does.”

That barb wasn’t even trying to be subtle.

I don’t feel so much like Alice anymore when I pull away from the house, but I understand what a push me pull me feels like a whole lot more than I did half an hour ago.

~*~

~Jared’s POV~

“Where’s Christian, Jay?”

Usually it makes me smile that Gemma can say ‘Christian’ just fine but can’t get ‘Jared’ out for love nor money, but that’s the seventh time she’s asked me where Chris is and, obviously, my wing and a prayer answers just aren’t cutting it. Jane’s smile when I glance at her is sad, but her nod tells me she understands that I have to do this properly.

“C’mon, Gemma, Angel’s lonely in her stall, and I think she wants us to come visit.”

As soon as I pick her up, Gemma wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head on my shoulder and we’re off towards the barn. 

What the fuck am I going to tell her? She’s only a little girl, a baby from where I stand, and I’ve never had to explain anything like this to Jeff’s kids, they have a daddy for that kind of thing and it’s a job I’m happy isn’t mine. I’m the uncle, inappropriate movies and too much junk food are my department.

When we get to her stall, Angel isn’t showing much interest in wanting to help me distract Gemma from her lack of Chris issues and even when I whistle for her to come over she just raises her head as if to say ‘I’m good where I am’ and goes back to eating. Gemma’s not overly interested either, Mikey’s her favourite horse, so with nothing else to distract her, Gemma turns her attention back to me.

“Where’s Christian?”

Moving over to the chair Chris keeps just outside the utility room, I sit down and shift Gemma into my lap.

“Christian…he hurt himself, Gemma, in an accident. He’s not here today because he’s in the hospital, Gemma.”

Tilting her head, for a second or three Gemma ponders what I’m trying to tell her, then lets fly with the question that could pretty much end my ability to breathe out.

“Why did Christian hurt hisself?”

“He didn’t hurt himself on purpose, sweetie. He was riding, and he accidentally fell-“

“Mikey no hurt Christian!”

The sentence is punctuated with a small fist against my sternum. It doesn’t hurt, well, not physically at least.

“I know he wouldn’t, Mikey wouldn’t hurt Christian, it was an accident, Gemma, that’s all. Christian’s hurt his leg, and his head and it’s nobody’s fault. Not Christian, not Mikey.”

“Christian home soon?”

God, I wish I had an ounce of the hope plastered all over Gemma’s face.

“No, sweetie. Christian needs to be where the doctors are, so they can help make him better.”

“I don’t like doctors.”

I’m okay with doctors, hospitals are fucking awful places though.

“Chris doesn’t really like them either, Gemma, but sometimes you really do need them, and Christian needs them a lot at the moment.”

“So he can be better?”

“Yes.”

“Will he be better soon? And home?”

She’s not letting the whole ‘home’ thing go, is she? And even I know anything that doesn’t happen in the next two minutes does not meet a kid’s definition of soon.

“No, sweetie, Christian won’t be home or better soon. He’s going to have to stay with the doctors for a while.”

Can a while be measured in months?

“No, soon. Christian wants to ride with Gemma and Mikey.”

What level of hell do you go to for lying to a child?

“Of course he wants to ride with you, sweetie, but he…he can’t.”

There’s no prise for guessing what the next words out of her mouth will be.

“But soon.”

“Maybe, Gemma, maybe soon.” 

Or, you know, probably never.

“Good. Mikey now, please.”

Yes, I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t be the one to wipe the hope from Gemma’s face, there’s only so much joy a person can kill once they’ve smothered their own.

“Okay, Miss Gemma, Mikey now.”

Another hour passes before the kids leave, and Gemma only asks four more times if Christian will be home soon.

The last time she asked even Jane fibbed a little.

~*~

I don’t know why I’m here.

Actually, that’s a lie, I know. I’m here because Christian is here. But now that I am, I have no damn idea what to do. I guess it’s instinct that has me walking towards the private waiting room I bolted out of yesterday.

Please let the Kane’s and everybody else have gone…somewhere. I know how horrid that sounds, but they really don’t know what to do with me. I’m no Steve, I haven’t spent Thanksgivings or Christmases at their table, I’m just a voice on the phone, you know ‘Hello’, ‘I’m good, thank you’, ‘I’ll hand you to Chris’, that kind of thing.

The room’s empty.

As I take a seat without turning on any kind of light I’m wondering what kind of relationship Chris and I have after all. We’re together, there is nobody else, but there’s also a whole lot of relationship shit that’s missing in there too. Actually, no that’s not right, it’s not relationship stuff missing, it’s family stuff. I go see mine, the Kane’s visit Christian when I’m away. From their reaction in this room yesterday it’s obvious Chris’ family either didn’t know or didn’t remember I have a brother but, seriously, when you look at Jeff who else could he be related to?

I guess I have a boyfriend, but I don’t really have a partner, and this is just the kind of revelation I don’t want to have when said boyfriend is in intensive care.

“I’m sorry, you can’t be here. Visiting hours are over.”

The sudden light and the soft voice make me jump like a gun went off. I didn’t even hear the door open.

“I know…I can’t visit anyway. Please, just let me sit here.”

Tilting her head and looking, the nurse is obviously trying to gauge something, and whatever it is, she finds it because she turns the light back off.

“If my supervisor finds you here, I’ll deny ever seeing you.”

She’s smiling, I can hear it in her voice and I try to smile back.

“Thank you.”

The door closes behind her and I’m left alone with my contemplation again.

Does Chris love me? Do I love him?

Nobody has ever said the words, and when I tell myself they’re not actually important, I mean it. Any idiot can cough up an ‘I love you’ or two. I know Chris feels something for me, but would I call it love? I guess, I think. No, I’m not trying to lump shit on him when he can’t answer back, I know I mean something, a lot, to him. But his legendary stubborn streak has gotten ten times wider since the accident, the original car accident, and I think his motto is independence or death. I’m not allowed to overstep my bounds, help without being asked and Chris will never, ever lean on me.

Or anybody else for that matter.

While I’m being honest with myself, if that’s what I’m actually doing, would I have been happy to continue on the way we’d been? Yeah, I would have. But that was before this, before being forgotten about. Before being reminded I’m not family.

Do I love Chris? Yeah, I do. Will I tell him that when he wakes up? I have no fucking idea.

At least I hear the door when it opens this time. Don’t let it be the little nurse’s boss. No, it’s the same little nurse.

“I thought you could use this.”

It takes me ten seconds to realise she’s holding out a cup of coffee to me.

“You didn’t have to.”

Please don’t let her be coming on to me, that’s the last thing I have the ability to deal with right now.

“I know.”

She doesn’t come closer, or step back, she just stands there with the coffee in her outstretched hand.

“Thank you.”

Trying the smiling thing on again, I take the offered drink before I sit back down. She takes the chair opposite me.

Fuck.

“I’m sorry, I don’t…I can’t…”

I can just make out her horrified face in the almost nonexistent light.

“I’m not…oh, god, I’m not hitting on you! I couldn’t. All I wanted was to offer you a hot drink because you looked…you looked alone.”

That’s kind of how I feel as well.

“I’m sorry, ma’am-“

“Holly. My name is Holly.”

“I’m Jared, and I’m sorry, Holly. I’m not exactly thinking straight right now, and…”

My voice trails off mostly because I have no idea what in hell to say.

“Jared, you’re sitting in a private intensive care waiting room, in the dark, at two in the morning. It’s kind of a given that you aren’t thinking clearly.”

“When you put it like that, I guess it is.”

Again I let the silence come and take a mouthful of coffee. It’s hospital coffee and it’s awful. I know hospital coffee is horrible because I drank about ten gallons of it the night Megan was in labour with Ethan.

Given everything that’s spinning around the inside of my head, it goes without saying that it’s Holly that breaks the silence.

“Would you like to know how he is, Jared?”

“Huh?”

That was eloquent.

“I’m sitting here thinking I can pretend I have no idea who you are or who’s in the room down the hall so you won’t worry I’m about to go all fangirl on you. Or I can give you an update on how Christian is and maybe sneak you into his room for a minute or so. I decided you’d prefer option number two.”

“I’m not family.”

Holly just shrugs.

“I know, I’ve seen the list of who is and isn’t meant to be in that room, it’s bullshit. You’re here in this hospital for no other reason that I can see other than to be close to Christian, you obviously love him, he’s your partner, you should see him.”

Partner. There’s that word again.

“I don’t want you getting into any trouble, Holly, if you can just tell me how he’s doing?”

“You’re not asking me to do anything, Jared, I’m offering. Christian’s family took his friend in earlier, and you should see him.”

Steve saw…yeah, of course he did.

“Tell me. Please.”

“It’s a serious injury, Jared, both the leg and his pelvis because of the previous breaks and the scar tissue to his muscles and the actual skin. He’s in traction and in a medically induced coma. That means he’s also on a ventilator.”

I think Holly’s pausing for that to sink in. It’s not going to.

“Okay.”

Okay? Really? This is all anything but okay.

“There are drips, monitors and leads everywhere. An ICU room is not quiet, Jared. Superficially Christian also has a head wound, with stitches, and the rest of him amounts to one giant bruise.”

What can you say in response to all of that?

“Holly…is he going to make it?”

That’s the only question I wanted answered today, but there’s been nobody I could ask.

“The doctor knows Chris and she’s quietly confidant. But we can all be not so quiet in our confidence if he makes it through the next twenty four hours.”

I really was going to let Holly give me an update and try to be content with that, but I have to see him. Just in case.

“Can I-“

“Yes. Let me just check where everybody else is and then I’ll take you in, okay?”

“Yes.”

Taking her empty coffee cup with her, I wait until Holly’s gone before I throw my still half full cup in the trash. I’m not ready to do this and I don’t really have a choice. Because I will never be ready to do this.

Two minutes later the door opens again and Holly waves me forward.

She doesn’t speak as she leads me down the hall and I’m grateful. The next door she opens for me leads into the room with two walls made of windows, but the windows are covered with closed Venetian blinds. I get the feeling Holly closed them just for me. She doesn’t come into the room with me, just lets me take a step inside before quietly whispering she’ll be back.

Oh god.

Oh my fucking god.

Holly didn’t lie to me, she told me everything, but how the fuck could I have expected this?

Yes there’s noise, a lot more than anybody would think, but those sounds are irrelevant when I’m faced with the sight of my Christian. My head and my eyes are moving, flicking up and down, back and forth, trying to process the unthinkable all at once. There are that many wires, electrodes, tubes and drips that I’m not sure he’ll still be human when he wakes up.

Chris barely looks human now.

His eyes are swollen shut, there are stitches just above where his eyebrow should be and I can’t see a single inch of skin that isn’t bruises to some degree. Brown, red, purple, blue, black - the motley crew of colours are all represented. Stepping closer to the end of the bed I want to touch him. I know he’s out, but there’s no fucking way I want to add any kind of hurt to his load, even though Christian won’t really know anything about it.

C’mon, Jared, you’ve only got a few minutes, you can do this.

“Hey, baby, I’m home.”

I know I can’t touch his legs, and his stomach has to be out of bounds, so I settle for resting my hand on a red, from weather and blood, cheek, careful not to even come close to the ventilator.

“I’ve only got a few minutes, I’m not meant to be here, I just had to see you. I needed to tell you I was here, waiting for you. Jeff’s here too, we’re taking care of the farm. The school knows it’ll be a while before you help with the riding lessons, but I can’t let the kids down, so I’ll keep the lessons going.”

“Jared?”

Holly’s back.

“I have to go, Christian, but I’ll see you soon, baby. Rest, get better…come back to me.”

Pressing my lips to Chris’ neck, just below his ear, I try to smile as I walk out of the room. Yes, I wanted to tell him I loved him, fuck it, I do love him, but the first time I tell him that will not be when he’s in a coma in a hospital. I want to know he heard me, even if he doesn’t say the words back.

I don’t stop walking until I’m past the door of the waiting room, and around the corner so I can’t see the ICU anymore. Holly follows me and stops a comfortable for both of us distance away.

“I won’t ask if you’re okay, I know you aren’t.”

“Straight up, no bullshit, is he going to make it?”

Yes, I know what she said before, but that was before I saw him, and, yeah.

“Honestly, Jared, I can’t give you any kind of promises. The odds are on his side, and like I said, if he gets through the next twenty four hours the odds improve dramatically.”

There’s one other thing I have to know.

“Okay, Christian gets through those hours, he’ll live. Then what?”

“Jared, you’ve just had a hell of a shock, are you sure you want me to answer that?”

No.

“Yes.”

“Given Chris’ previous injuries, first and foremost there’ll be months of rehabilitation. Once we’ve done all we can for him here, he’ll be transferred to a live in facility. He won’t be going home for a long time, I’m afraid. Short term, he’ll have very little control of bodily functions, he won’t be walking at all, and even sitting will be something he can do for short periods only. Long term, a lot depends of Christian’s level of determination, but…”

I can see Holly trying to find a way to say what she has to tell me that won’t hurt me. She might as well save her energy because it doesn’t exist.

“Just tell me. Please.”

“After two breaks like this, we wouldn’t expect the patient to walk without the aid of a walker and for them to end up in a wheel chair wouldn’t be…it would be a very likely possibility.”

Christian in a wheelchair.

I hope his fucking ride was worth all of this.

“Thank you.”

It’s the only thing I can think of to say.

“I’ve got to get back to work, Jared, is there somebody I can call to come pick you up?”

“No, it’s okay…I’ll drive myself home. Later. W-will you be on again tomorrow night?”

“I’m working graveyards all week. I start at eleven.”

“Okay. Thank you. For everything.”

She doesn’t move to hug me, or even touch me, just nods and turns to walk back towards the nurse’s station. I head back out to Chris’ truck knowing I won’t be driving anywhere for a long time yet.

~*~

It’s almost time to get up again by the time I get home. I should feed the animals now, before I go to bed. I won’t sleep. I’ve clocked maybe six hours total since I got back to Oklahoma and every minute of that has been riddled with nightmares. My dreams have killed Chris, they’ve left me wishing I was dead, the only thing they haven’t given me is even a hint of a happy ending.

For the first time in a long time, I head to my room rather than Christian’s, the one we call ‘ours’. I still keep my room because sometimes when Chris is having a bad night I have to sleep in here. Well, actually, I lay in here listening in case he needs something and when he finally passes out more often than not I watch from the chair he keeps his clothes on. We both deal with the limitations his injuries have set in stone. I can’t always sleep with him, it’s damn near impossible for him to bottom, I walk around without a shirt on in the middle of winter because of the heat in here and yet…and yet he’ll call Robbie to look after the animals on the days he can’t get out of bed rather than ask me.

I thought it was because he wanted me close, now I’m not so sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I want to be strong, I want to be optimistic, but I don’t fucking know how.

“I don’t fucking know how!”

My arm connects with the toiletries on the dresser, launching them like glass hail against the wall, some smash, some don’t, but the mirror shatters the instant my fist connects with it.

The second punch breaks the backing board behind it.

“I don’t know how to do this!”

The hole in the wall has red on the edge of it. Where did that come from?

My fist doesn’t connect with anything the next time I draw it back because there are arms around me. Strong arms.

“Christian?”

“No, Jay, it’s Jeff. It’s Jeff, little brother.”

“I don’t know how to do this…I can’t do this. I’m…I’m not strong enough.”

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, my legs give out, taking both of us to the floor. Jeff doesn’t let go, he just lands with a thud beside me.

“I…I can’t…”

I’m crying again. Chris never cries, no matter how bad it gets.

“Shh, Jay, it’s okay, you don’t need to do anything. I’ve got you, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Jeff’s got me.

It’s not okay.

But Jeff’s got me so I just collapse.

That’s how I weak I am.

~*~

~Jeff’s POV~ 

It takes some doing, but eventually I have Jared in bed and while I’d like to pretend he’s asleep, he’s out cold and I know it. I don’t want to leave him, but I have to make a call. Grabbing my cell, I move out into the hallway where I can see still see Jared and where I, hopefully, won’t wake him.

It’s still the middle of the night officially, but Mom answers on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom.”

I’m not even bothering to try and hide the tone of my voice. You don’t hide things from Mom, ever.

“Jeff, how’s Jared?”

“How soon can you get here?”

There’s no fucking use beating around the bush, I’m out of my depth here, and whether he knows it or not, Jared needs his Mommy.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can be, Jeff, early afternoon at the latest.”

“Thank you, Momma.”

“Is Chris…”

Yeah, I wouldn’t know how to finish that question either.

“He’s alive, I don’t know much more than that. It’s a mess, Mom, just one huge mess.”

There should have been at least three ‘fucks’ in there, but I am talking to my Mom.

“I’ll let you know when I’m going to arrive. Are you going to tell Jared I’m coming?”

“No. He won’t have time to pull up a brick wall if you just turn up.”

“Oh, baby.”

“I know.”

A sound from the room draws my attention back to Jared, he’s fucking dreaming again.

“Mom, I have to go.”

“Take care of my boy, Jeff.”

“I will. Call me when you know what time you’ll be here. Bye.”

I know it’s not polite to hang up on your mother, but she’ll understand. Throwing my phone on the destroyed dresser, I climb onto the bed behind Jared just in time to grab him before the thrashing starts.

“Shhh, JT, I’ve got you. Shhh, little bro, please.”

Rocking him like a baby, I keep talking in a barely audible voice. It takes half an hour, but he settles. I don’t know what he’s going through and I pray I never do, but that really does nothing to stop me from wanting to break a few heads.

Mom coming will help Jared, and it’ll keep me out of jail. Mom will fix it.

I hope.

~*~

~Mrs Padalecki’s POV~

At the very least I should have let the son that knows I’m coming know I had landed safely, but Jeff didn’t know what flight I was catching, so he won’t be concerned about me just yet.

The cab driver, a very nice man who knows how to use words like ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘ma’am’, helps me with my bag as I climb out of the car. I want to ask him to stay, but I don’t know how long I’ll be, so instead I ask him for his card, telling him I’ll need a ride out to my son’s ranch sooner or later and I’d appreciate it if he could help me out. I get told to just call when I’m ready and he gets a very healthy tip.

As I head into the hospital, asking directions to the ICU, pulling my suitcase along behind me, I am wondering if I’m doing the right thing. My son is a grown man and the size of a small mountain, but he is still my baby and that thought alone makes me realise that right or wrong really doesn’t matter, I’m going to do this.

Politely I ask the nurses if I can leave my suitcase tucked against the wall, out of the way, and they say it’s just fine. They’re used to people coming straight from the airport I guess. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I push the door of the waiting room open and prepare to go to war.

The very second I get a good look at everybody waiting probably not so patiently, I know exactly who I need to talk to. 

Christian has his mom’s eyes.

Jensen, bless his heart, starts to stand but I just shake my head and give him a look that has him instantly sitting back down. What can I say, I was very good at keeping control of my students.

“Mrs Kane, my name is Sharon Padalecki, I’m Jared’s mother, and I was wondering if I might have a word with you in private.”

Because with the amount of people in here, the nurses station is going to be quieter.

There’s a sad look on her face that I don’t understand when she nods her head, but politely she murmurs ‘certainly’ and leads the way outside.

Now, how does one tell a woman with a son in intensive care to stop treating my child like dog droppings?

“Mrs Kane-“

“Judy, please. And if you don’t mind, I’m going to start by telling you I’m sorry because I’m not sure when I’ll get the chance to apologise to your son.”

Well, darn it, that took all the wind from my sails.

“I’m very pleased to meet you, Judy, I’m Sherri. How is Christian doing?”

Everything else can wait a minute or two.

“He’s too stubborn for his own good, that’s how he is, and when he wakes up he is going to get the biggest talking to since he was thirteen and got caught with a half full bottle of his father’s whiskey. But he is going to wake up and that’s my prayers answered right there.”

I can’t help but wonder how much of that answered prayer comes from what the doctors are telling the family and how much comes from the person Christian inherited his stubborn streak from.

“I’m so very glad to hear that, but I’m afraid I do have another question to ask of you. Do you think you could enlighten me as to what is going on with our sons?”

Judy’s smile is a pitiful attempt, I just met the lady and ever I can tell that.

“I’m afraid I just don’t know, Sherri. Christian keeps so much to himself, especially since the car accident, as opposed to what we now call the horse accident I guess, that I rely on Brandon knowing more and something closer to the truth. When Brandon first called and told us he’d found Christian, I asked if we should call Jared, and Brandon said no, that Jared was…not important and probably not in the country. I can see now there was probably some jealousy on Brandon’s side, conscious or not, and those two boys may be close enough to be brothers, but I know my son, and I should have remembered Christian doesn’t do ‘not important’ anymore. I knew the second Jared walked into that waiting room we should have called, I should have been able to hug him like I can Steve…that I should know Jared, because what my son means to him was written all over his face. I’ll admit I didn’t react the best, and that has nothing to do with Jared, Sherri, it’s being here, doing this again with Christian and it’s also realising that for whatever reasons, Christian wanted to keep us and Jared separate and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. Why doesn’t he want us to know he’s happy and loved, why doesn’t he want us to help if we can, why in god’s name was he on that horse in the first place?”

Yes, well, I get the feeling Christian better have a good answer to that last why or he’ll find out he’s not old too be taken out behind the woodshed.

“I can’t imagine what you and your family are going through, Judy, but I know what my son is going through and he’s not coping.”

“I know. I saw it on his face.”

There is a very huge part of me that wants to ask why she didn’t do something about it, but there are reasons, not excuses, and I can understand that.

“Sherri, please tell Jared I’m so sorry for…everything, and that I look forward to getting to know him, properly. I’ll arrange it so that he can see Christian, as family. I know it’s not my place to ask, Sherri, but please look after your son. Christian is going to need him, I can see that now.”

Peace treaty negotiated with the important Kane family matriarch. Thank goodness.

“I’ll try and get Jared to come in tomorrow and see you, Judy, but I can’t promise anything.”

“I know. We haven’t put our best foot forward with Jared, but as I said, I would dearly like to rectify that.”

“I do believe you’ll get your chance.”

At least I hope so. 

“Thank you for coming, Sherri.”

“Thank you for agreeing to talk to me, Judy. I think we should both go and talk to our boys now.”

“Yes, we should.”

Judy’s handshake is strong in spirit, if not force and I’m smiling when I turn away to go get my suitcase. At least now I know that they don’t hate my Jared, they just don’t know him. Much like I don’t know Christian.

The time for praying we get the chance to change that isn’t over yet. 

~*~

~Jared’s POV~

It’s pain that wakes me. The throbbing in my head is anything but dull and my eyes feel too raw to even contemplate opening them. Waking up from a crying jag come temper tantrum is nothing like the morning after a drinking binge, and I’ve never felt like this before in my life. 

Everything hurts and in the long run my shit fit solved exactly nothing. Great, just great.

And, fuck, I forgot about the animals.

Struggling to get upright isn’t fun, and it also doesn’t get me far, but the hand on my shoulder pushing my body back towards the bed isn’t Jeff’s.

“JT, lay back down, you need to rest.”

“Mom?”

My eyes are still against opening even though I put some effort into trying.

“Yes, baby, it’s me.”

Jeff called Mom. I know I should be pissed, because I’m thirty something, not three, but I’m not. It’d take too much effort…and I want my Momma.

“The animals, Mom, I have to-“

“What you have to do is listen to me, because I still out rank you. Jeff’s taken care of everything outside and he tells me you haven’t slept worth a damn since Chris’ accident, so you’re staying put.”

“Okay.”

I learnt a long time ago, and a very hard way, that I do not argue with my Momma. 

At least it’s my bed I’m laying in, I remember that much about last night, or more to the point, this morning, and I’m guessing Jeff, or Mom, cleaned up the mess I made. But apart from that I really don’t know, or remember, much of anything. But I remember what it feels like to have Mom stroke the hair back from my forehead, carding her fingers through the tangled curls. That’s a touch no boy ever forgets.

“Your Daddy sends his love, JT, and if Megan got so much as half a hint you wanted her here, she’s be on your doorstep in a heart beat. I’ll call them both later, but I know Megan especially would like to hear from you rather than me.”

“I’ll call…later.”

Whenever later is. Speaking of which…

“Time is it?”

My voice is so full of Texas. Or, at least, I’m calling it Texas because that sounds better than fear, or stress.

“A little after eleven.”

God, we never sleep that late. Even if Chris has had a bad night, somebody is out at the barn by seven at the latest. But Chris is unconscious in the hospital and I’m…I’ve got every emotion known to man twisting around me like I’m the not so calm eye of a tornado. So I feel too much and nothing at all as I stand there watching everything pass me by.

“JT?”

Mom knows me, and she won’t be fooled into thinking I’m sleeping. When I’m awake, I’m awake, there’s never been any hazy, lazy half way point for me.

“I’m okay, Momma.”

“Just because you’re a little older than you were the last time you tried it doesn’t mean I’m going to let you lie to me this time either, JT.”

Finally my eyes open and they kind of feel like my eyeballs have been replaced with a special mix of crushed glass and sand. And I don’t need a mirror to know they’re currently redder than Christian’s neck.

“I’m not lying, Mom, I’m okay. I’m not great, but I’m not looking for a bridge to jump off either. It’s just…I thought we had something good, and we don’t. What we have is nothing but smoke and sparkles that disappears with the smallest rain shower. It’s pouring now, Mom, and I can see clearer than I ever wanted to.”

“I’m not sure I understand, honey. Would you rather still have your illusion that nothing is something? Or have you decided you don’t want Christian at all?”

Part of me wishes I didn’t want Christian any more. A very big, overly truthful part. It’s the same part that wants Christian back here, with me, right this fucking second.

“I’d rather we actually had what I thought we had, Mom, a relationship that gives and takes and is threaded through everything that makes me Jared and him Christian. Instead we’ve got this segmented thing with more compartments than Dad’s old Buick.”

That analogy makes both of us smile because we loved that car and its hidey-holes. Jeff once hid Megan’s Ken doll in there for a week before anybody found it. Mom’s still smiling when she reaches for my hand, holding it in both of hers.

“And are you staying?”

“Yes.”

There’s no addition of ‘if Christian lets me’ or something similar. I already know he won’t let me, but that’s okay, I don’t need his permission to beat my head against a brick wall.

“I stopped off at the hospital this morning. I met Mrs Kane. Judy.”

Don’t go there, Jared, just don’t.

“How…how is everybody?”

“Judy would like to talk to you, and she’s spoken to the nursing staff, you’re allowed to go see Chris now. She’s…”

“Got a lot going on, Mom, I get that.”

“That’s not what I was trying to say, honey. I was trying to say she’s sorry, and she’s feeling a lot like you are, that you and Christian aren’t going about things the right way. She’s also convinced she’ll get the chance to know you, with Christian.”

As I try to laugh my eyes close again, it’s taking too much effort to keep them open.

“People think Chris gets his stubborn from his Daddy, but somehow I doubt it.”

Right now I’m grateful for Mrs Kane’s persistent streak, and Chris’. I need it because it’s something I don’t have.

“Chris can be as stubborn as he wants…he can be pissy and frustrating and angry, he can be anything his heart desires…as long as he’s…a-as long as he doesn’t leave me. I l-love him, Mom, I c-can’t…he c-can’t, God, he just…he can’t…”

When the tears come, they hurt my eyes, my head and my heart, but I can’t stop them. Blindly I’m reaching for my Mom and she’s there, wrapping me in arms that don’t reach all the way around me as I cry. Like a two year old I cry myself back to sleep in my mother’s arms. 

Sleep is an escape route I’m happy to take now, because Mom will keep the nightmares away. She always does.

~*~

“I knew I’d catch you here eventually.”

“Fuck!”

My head registers that it’s David speaking, but my heart is too busy trying to beat out of my chest for me to answer him beyond a one word curse. Nobody else is meant to be here, this is meant to be my turn at waiting for Christian.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Yeah. Right.

“Is…is Christian okay?”

I haven’t had a chance to talk to Holly yet tonight and I just don’t have the stomach to return any of Jen’s messages just yet.

“The doctors are giving us the ‘he’s as good as can be expected’ song and dance.”

Holly will actually tell me more than that, it’s just not always more in the good sense of news.

“Okay.”

That’s become my favourite word of late, even though everything is as far from it as I ever want it to be.

I’m here, so I might as well sit down. It’s my routine, I wait here, quietly, until I can sneak my ten minutes in. It doesn’t matter if Holly comes to get me at midnight or four in the morning. I’ll wait.

“Things aren’t real good at the moment, Jared, are they?”

What can I say to that? Thank you Captain Obvious?

“They’ve been better.”

David is another person I probably should know better, but I don’t. And unlike a lot of the people I’m resenting right now, this time it’s a whole lot of my own fault. 

Yes, I’m jealous of David Boreanaz. Whether it’s irrational or not is beside the point.

“Jared, I know you don’t know me, and I seriously doubt you even like me, but you have to talk to somebody.”

“I’m all right, I’ve got Jeff.”

And I think Mom’s just about ready to come up here and break out her inner teacher. She’s not really happy with anybody right now, me included. Apparently I should be standing up for myself.

“Jeff doesn’t know Christian.”

“You don’t know me.”

“No, I don’t, and that’s both our faults. But, Jared? I’m on your side.”

I can hear David moving around in the dark, but I’ve closed my eyes. I really don’t want to face anybody during this conversation.

“The only side that matters is Christian’s.”

“I’ll give you that. Which really doesn’t explain why you aren’t coming in when everybody else is here, or why a fair chunk of the Kane family seems to think you’re a temporary resident in Chris’ life.”

“Who’s to say I’m not?”

“Christian. Me. Jensen if he’d actually look at you and realise you’re not his fuck up to protect anymore. Steve if he’d get his head out of Brandon’s ass. Seriously Jared, what the fuck is going on?”

Jeff got a very censored version of what’s about to come out of my mouth because I was worried he’d start breaking heads, I don’t owe David the same kind of restraint.

“Nobody called me to let me know Chris had been hurt, David. They called Steve, you, Jen, Jason, hell if I had to guess I’d bet Timothy fucking Hutton got a call, but not me. When I walked into the room, Mrs Kane looked at me like she couldn’t work out why I was here. I had to ask what was wrong, I got the same answer you’d give the guy in the elevator if he asked. I didn’t fucking know if he was going to make it or not! I thought I had a life with Chris, but I’m starting to wonder if I was wrong; we don’t know each others families, and friends don’t count because it’s always been a case of yours, mine, ours except for Chad and you. Chad’s fucking Chad, and you’re a superhero or something. Only family is allowed to visit him, and I’m just the person who stays at the ranch from time to time. Fuck, Brandon seems to think I expect to be waited on hand and foot while I’m here, he made a great performance of me knowing how to muck out the horse stalls. I *live* there, I don’t fucking visit!”

As soon as I started talking everything got all muddled in my head and I have no idea if it’s coming out right, but it’s still coming.

“I love him, David, he’s everything to me but I can’t live like this. Everybody thinks I’m a part time housemate but me. You know what I spent the last eight weeks doing when I wasn’t on set? I hired a physio come masseuse to teach me how to massage Christian so I could actually help with the pain the correct way, so I could help Christian. There are documents at my lawyers just waiting for Christian to sign them to make him legally my partner. They’ve been waiting for six fucking months! I know everything is about Christian right now, I know everybody is hurting, but just once I’d like some acknowledgement that I’m hurting too, that I’m even slightly important in the scheme of Christian’s life. I can’t make nice right now, so I’m going to sit here, in the dark, and be as close to Christian as I can be. I don’t care what anybody else thinks, because they sure as fuck didn’t give me any consideration.”

That’s it, I’m done. My eyes are still closed and I think David’s moving again. That’s when Holly of the perfect timing opens the waiting room door.

“Jared?”

“Holly!”

My eyes open like they’re spring-loaded and my body bounces upright in much the same fashion.

“How is he? What’s happening?”

She doesn’t acknowledge David and I don’t make any move to introduce him.

“Breathe, Jared, breathe, Christian’s doing…okay. Not great, not horrid, he really is holding his own. The doctors decided today they may have to operate again when Chris is back on his feet because they’re not sure of the placement of the pelvis. But that’s a way off because he’ll have to be walking, even with a walker, for them to be sure. They’ll be toning down the drugs tomorrow to start to bring him back to consciousness, something I can guarantee he won’t appreciate short term.”

“He will long term though, Chris hates taking drugs. He…he ended up addicted to them last time and he fucked up his stomach, he won’t do that again.”

There’s no comment or surprised gasp from behind me, so either David knew that I knew or he’s a better actor than people give him credit for.

“The drugs he’s on right now won’t hurt his gut, but they are addictive so it’s nice to know what we’re up against. The thing that goes along with reducing the drugs is Chris coming off the ventilator.”

“No more wheezing machine?”

“Hopefully by this time tomorrow night, no.”

Thank you, Jesus.

“Can I see him?”

“That’s what we’re both here for, right? Does…does your friend want to come in too?”

There’s no way I can deny David this, I’ve never doubted for a second he loves Christian too.

“Thank you, Holly. Can you give me a minute then we’ll be right out?”

“Sure, but don’t take too long.” 

Taking a deep breath for the first time tonight, I face David.

“Holly’s been sneaking me in to see Chris. Now I’m fairly sure the whole floor knows this, but they’re going with the whole don’t ask, don’t tell thing. If we get caught by somebody important, we take the fall, understood?”

“Absolutely.”

My only response is an almost nod before I turning to the door.

“We’d better not keep Holly waiting.”

Holly’s there just outside the waiting room and she falls silently into step beside me until we’re almost at Chris’ cubical. The blinds are drawn and for a fleeting moment I wonder if they’re closed during the day as well. 

Letting David catch up, when he’s beside me there’s a question I need to ask. 

“You know what to expect, yeah?”

“Unfortunately, I do.”

Oh yeah, I guess he does. It feels weird to realise I’d forgotten about the last accident.

Taking the same deep breath I’ve taken every time I’ve walked into the area, I walk the six more steps that’ll bring me to Christian’s side.

“Hey, baby, I’m back.”

My hand cups his cheek again, stroking it so very softly before I bend down to kiss his temple. The unstitched one.

“You’ve got a new visitor too, David’s with me. I know he’s probably not the Boreanaz you wanted to see, but until you get your lazy ass out of here he’s the only one you’re gonna get.”

“Hey, Kane, there are easier ways to get me to visit Oklahoma you know.”

Standing on Christian’s other side, the not too great side because there’s a ventilation tube in the way of pretty much everything, David covers Chris’ still fingers with his own hand. What David says next though surprises me. A lot.

“I am seriously fucking pissed at you, Kane.”

My eyes glance at the heart rate monitor; I actually expect David’s words to have some kind of effect.

“You’re not alone in this life, you know, not now. Fuck, Christian, you never have been, despite what you always seem to think, but especially not with Jared around and for you to do this without thinking about him, or the rest of us that love your stubborn ass, is fucking selfish. Now I’m back to praying you come back to us so I can kick said stubborn ass. I don’t like it, Chris, I don’t want to do it anymore and I’m going to tell you that. When everybody else is pandering to you, I’m going to be the one letting you know time and time again that you can’t treat our opinions like they don’t count. If you ever make me tell Jaden and Bardot you’re in the hospital again, I’ll kill you, Kane. So help me, God, I’ll d-do it.” 

When I look up at David, he’s crying. He’s not making manly swipes at his eyes, he’s not ashamed, just pissed off.

“Now, I’m just going to let Jared have some time, but you get your ass back to us, Christian. Come back to me, okay? I love you, my friend.”

Kissing his fingertips, David pressed them against Christian’s forehead, and he’s still crying when he slips out of the room and leaves me alone with my boyfriend.

That’s the only title I’m willing to give him right now, and even then it’s only in my head.

“I miss you, Chris. I’m confused, and alone and I miss you. I need you. I don’t know what to say anymore. Things aren’t so great right now, baby, and they’re just not going to get better without you. I…I want to be all upbeat and tell you about, fuck, I don’t know, something funny and amazing, but there’s just not a lot of fun or amazement around right now. I can’t pull Padapuppy out of my ass at the moment. There’s so much I want to tell you, ask you and I can’t. Just…come home, baby, if it’s not for me, I’ll deal with it, but you have to be the one to tell me that. I’m not sure I’ll see you tomorrow night, with them cutting down your drugs and bringing you around, but if I can, I’ll be here. If you let me, I’ll always be here.”

The words are right there, on the tip of my tongue, desperate for me to say them out loud, but damn, not now. I’m actually biting my tongue when I bend down again, kissing Christian’s skin, letting myself linger because I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever get to do this again. 

“Come home, Christian.”

Walking out of that room without looking back isn’t easy, but I make myself do it. David’s waiting in the corridor outside of the waiting room, I knew he would be.

“C’mon, we’re going to get coffee.”

“David, I need to get back to the ranch and get some sleep. The animals still need me to be conscious in the morning.”

“I’m talking one cup of coffee, I want to tell you a story. I won’t keep you too long. As far as the ranch goes, I’m going to do what should have been happening all along. I’ll come out and help.”

“I can do it.”

As he’s watching me, David nods.

“I know you can. But that idiot in the hospital room, he’s not alone and neither you are. Everything is fucked up right now and an extra pair of hands to help you get the chores done isn’t a bad thing.”

Despite popular opinion, I’m not stupid, I know an olive branch when I see one, so I wave my hand in an ‘after you’ fashion and follow David out of the hospital.

Fifteen minutes later we’re sitting in Denny’s, drinking coffee that I seriously doubt either of us wants, trying to pretend the silence isn’t five times more awkward than it should be.

“I’m sorry.”

Why the hell did I say that?

“What on god’s green earth do you have to be sorry for, Jared?”

Enough.

“For…for not being a big enough part of Christian’s life to actually know you.”

The face David pulls at the mouthful of coffee he takes makes me sure I won’t be drinking anymore of mine.

“That bad?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a half-hearted smile on my lips but a laugh is beyond me.

“Listen, Jared, I’m tired, you’re tired so I’m just going to say what I wanted to say then it’s bedtime. Firstly, the fact we don’t know each other is not just your fault. No, I’m not absolving you completely, I’m not here to blow wind up your skirt, but you share the blame with Christian, and, well, I’m not blameless either. We’ll all rectify it later, there’ll be the chance. But as far as my bedtime story goes, it’s pretty much a given that I know Chris better than most and I know how he has always felt about you. I wasn’t overly impressed when I first heard you were staying with him last year, and it wasn’t because of your reputation at that point in time. Okay, maybe it was partly about that, but I was worried about Chris and how deep he’d end up with you. But I stopped worrying, because Christian is a big, stubborn, butt-ugly boy, and I started telling him that maybe he’d been given a chance to…to go for something he’d always wanted. You.”

Turning the still full coffee mug in my hand, I’m staring at it rather than David.

“I’m…I’m not overly sure he still wants what’s his for the taking anymore.”

“And I’m certain that now is not the time to be making those kind of decisions. Things aren’t great, I can see that much, but you two both need to have some input on the conversation you’ve got coming and Chris needs to be conscious for that. But of course, when he is awake you’ll have the biggest roadblock yet in your way, Christian himself. He’s going to do everything he can to push you away, he’s going to call you names, tell you he hates you, he is going to be king of the assholes in a way that you never thought possible. And when you think about it, knowing Chris, that’s quite an accomplishment. I’m going to ask you to think about one thing over the next couple of days: do you love him enough to put up with all of that? Because if you can’t, leave now. If you stay when Chris wakes up and don’t see it through, I’ll fucking hunt you down and kill you myself, got it?”

“Yeah.”

There’s no ‘of course I’m going to stick around’ ready to come out of my mouth. David asked me to think about it, and I will.

“C’mon, let’s go. What time do you want me out to help with the chores?”

A quick glance at my watch tells me it’s almost three, it’ll be nearly five by the time I sleep.

“Nine?”

“Nine it is.”

The walk back to our cars is quiet, but this time is okay, the silence is a comfort.

“Night, Jared.”

“Night, David. Thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for, Jared. Drive safe.”

I’m still sitting in Chris’ truck - I’ve been driving it since I got home from the hospital that first night - five minutes after David has left. When I landed in Oklahoma three, or is it four, days ago, everything was so clear-cut to me. Everything’s as clear as mud now, but I know, I *know* if I, if Chris and me, can see this through, it’ll be better. It will be worth it.

I’m sure of it.

I just I wish I was as sure I’ll still list Oklahoma as my home address in a week.

~*~

I’m already in the barn when David pulls up the next morning, but it’s not just David that gets out of the vehicle. 

Jensen’s here as well.

Yay.

Since the whole world seems to be taking sides, I wonder which one Jen will be on? He was Chris’ friend a long time before he was mine, and Chris hasn’t almost wrecked his marriage.

They’re both walking towards me though, so I guess I have to stop whatever I’m pretending to do and, yeah, I’ve got nothing.

David must be used to these just like a hallmark only awkward moments, because he doesn’t give it the chance to take hold.

“You two have to talk so give me the fork, Jared and tell me which stall I’m mucking out.”

I’m firing on all cylinders this morning, I manage to raise my arm and point to the one two doors down.

“Ummm, that one. I’m moving Mikey into there later.”

“Cool, I’ll shovel, you two fix what shouldn’t be screwed up in the first place.”

Agent Booth isn’t afraid of getting dirty apparently, though I’ll bet you any money Angel would have been.

“Hey, Jen. How’re Danni and Matthew? Are they with you?”

Maybe Jen can bring Matty out here so he can ride the horses. It’s been a while since I saw Matt, or Danni. Or Jensen for that matter.

“They’re good, but back in L.A., Danni didn’t want to upset Matthew’s routine.”

“Fair enough.”

Awkward’s making a nice showing here, despite David, isn’t it?

“Fuck this shit, it shouldn’t be like this with us, Jay, what’s happening? I’ve heard Steve’s rambling version of what happened, now I want to hear yours.”

Instinct has me shrugging but I’m not really trying to shake anything off.

“Honestly, Jen, they’re probably pretty much the same. When I got home, here, to the ranch, I found out about…that Chris’d been in accident. When I got to the hospital I felt like I was filling the roles of both useless and uncomfortable, so I decided I’d stay out of everybody’s way and just take care of things here.”

Gee, Jared, could you make yourself look any worse?

“Yeah, that’s all just wonderful. Now tell me all of that again, only this time included everything that you left out – particularly what was going on inside your head.”

I have never denied that Jensen knows me.

“I came back to the ranch and Chris wasn’t here, I called Steve and found out Chris might be dying. The only thing he said was ‘I thought you’d know’. I didn’t. When I got the hospital, there was a room full of people Christian loves and it felt like most of them had no idea why I was there. You can kind of see why it felt like I’d been punched in the gut so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, can’t you? Nobody told me what was going on, I didn’t know how to ask, I couldn’t see Chris and it felt like my world was falling apart – it still feels like that. Jeff came and I went home with him because there was fuck all I could do at the hospital and I needed to fall apart. I was not going to be doing that in a room full of people I didn’t know. Steve followed me and gave this lecture about the Kane’s needing me and how I should just stay out of the kitchen if I couldn’t stand the heat…I kind of thought he might understand. I felt like I didn’t have the right to be upset in that room, Jen, that I was nothing in Chris’ life compared to everybody else, so yeah, I walked out. That’s it.”

“So Steve was in the wrong?”

“I’m not saying that, I’m just saying he wasn’t completely in the right.”

Or he was an asshole, either or.

“Are you okay?”

The question throws me. It shouldn’t feel like it’s random and completely from left field, but it does. Totally. 

“Huh?”

“This is me here, Jay, and I know how you feel about Christian so I’m asking how’re you holding up.”

“I’ve been better.”

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I can’t help laughing. Yeah, I’ve been a whole lot better. 

“You’ll let me know if I can do anything, won’t you?”

“Yeah…you could start by maybe letting me hug you…Jeff and Mom, they try, but…”

Three seconds later Jensen’s arms are around me and it’s only then, despite the fact I actually asked for it, that I realise how much I needed this.

“Thank you, Jen…thank you.”

My face is buried in his neck and I’m trying like hell not to cry. Again.

“Nothing to thank me for man, brothers, remember? Always.”

Always.

My eyes aren’t dry when I finally lift my head but I’m okay with that.

“How’s he doing this morning?”

“There wasn’t much in the way of details, just the good news that Chris’ coming off the ventilator and he had an okay night.”

The last part I already knew, David and I were there for most of it.

“Chris’ going to be okay, Jensen.” 

He has to be.

“I know. But you have to there with him as well, Jay.”

“We’ll see.”

That’s all we can do at the moment, with everything, wait and see.

I know Jensen wants to say more, but maybe later. I have a very low threshold for all this at the moment.

“Later, Jen. You wanna work on another stall?”

“Not particularly.”

I guess David heard that because the comment he makes isn’t exactly complimentary towards Texas.

Jen just smiles, squeezes me one last time and grabs the other pitchfork. Then promptly threatens to introduce the point end to David’s ass.

It’s the first time I’ve laughed, without forcing or pretending, in days.

Jensen’s good for my soul, but I owe David as well.

The chores take twice as long as they normally do and I enjoy every damn second.

~*~

Part of me was expecting to find either David or Jen waiting for me tonight. All of me is surprised to find Mrs Kane sitting in the waiting room quietly reading a book. Despite what Mom said, this lady scares me on levels I didn’t even know I had.

I can do this. I don’t want to, but I can.

“Mrs Kane?”

Obviously she heard me come in, because there’s no startled jump when I speak, she just looks up with tired eyes and tries to smile.

“Jared, David told me you’d be here late, but I didn’t realise he meant quite this late.”

My steps don’t make any noise as I come further into the room and sit down taking a few moments to avoid answering the non-question. I don’t know why I wait until after midnight either, other than it’s quiet. Or as quiet as a hospital can be, and it’s not like I’ve been sleeping anyway.

“You could have called the ranch ma’am, if you needed me for anything.”

Something about me calling her ‘ma’am’ bothers Mrs Kane.

“I know, Jared, but I didn’t just want to talk to you, I wanted to see you as well. Didn’t your mother tell you that I’d made the arrangements for you to see Christian whenever you wanted to?”

I don’t think that last part was meant to come out, but there is it.

“Yes ma’am, she told me. Thank you for doing that.”

If Mrs Kane is waiting for an explanation of why I’m not coming to visit during daylight, respectable hours, we’ll be here a while. How do I explain that the longer Brandon and I put off coming face to face the better?

“I’m sure you want to know how Christian is doing, and to see him, but before all of that, I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, Jared. Sorry for not calling you straight away, then how we treated you when you arrived, all of it. You are a part of my son’s life and I, we, didn’t respect that.”

There’s a certain kind of irony that Mrs Kane is telling me all of this as I’m coming to the realisation that I’m not really a part of Christian’s life at all.

“Mrs Kane, I understood. You were worried and scared.”

“I’m still both of those, Jared.”

Aren’t we all.

“Is Chris…is he off the ventilator?”

Is there one less tube and has the sound that’ll live in my nightmares forever gone?

“Yes, Jared, he is and breathing just nicely on his own. He’s only been conscious for a couple of moments throughout the day, though.”

Did he ask for me?

“The breathing thing is still good though, isn’t it?”

It feels like the whole world is falling in around my ears, I need one small win with something Chris-related.

“It’s very good. My boy should be awake and trying to not cuss up a storm soon.”

“That’s good to hear.”

And that statement sounds something beyond lame, even to my ears.

“I’m going to leave you be now, Jared, I need some sleep. I just…I wanted to see you and try to explain, even though I don’t think I did a very good job. I do hope I’ll see more of you, Jared, I’d like very much to get to know you.”

“Thank you, Mrs Kane, for…just, thank you.”

If I was Steve, or even Jen, she’d be hugging me now before kissing my cheek, instead she’s wrapping her arms around herself and nodding, and attempting another smile. There are no more words; she just picks up her book and her purse before leaving me alone again.

I’m beginning to think the only person that doesn’t know how fucked Christian’s accident has left everything is Christian. I wonder what he’s expecting to wake up to?

“Hey, Jared.”

“Hi, Holly.”

Holly looks tired tonight and I guess that’s what happens when you work a week of graveyards shifts.

“I thought you might like to come and see Christian now, he’s kind of awake and we can’t give him another shot for about fifteen minutes.”

There are a lot of things I thought I’d be doing at the hospital tonight, but laughing wasn’t one them. Well, it’s nearly a laugh combined with an almost complete smile.

“So what you’re really saying is ‘please come and talk to Christian because we’re contemplating smothering him with a pillow’?”

At least Holly looks sheepish as she nods.

“Basically? He’s a-“

“Pissy asshole when he’s in pain. Yeah, I know. Lead the way, Holly, and I’ll see what I can do to save the nursing staff from a charge of justifiable homicide.”

You’ll notice I didn’t say anything about me not killing him.

“I’ve got to go downstairs for supplies; you know the way, Jared, go in. Nobody will stop you.”

I wonder if that’s because of Mrs Kane telling them it’s okay, or because they’d rather wash bedpans than deal with a semi-conscious, hurt Kane. Lord knows I’d take the bedpans if I had a choice. 

Why is it so much harder to walk into the cubicle knowing Chris is waking up? It hurt to walk in here before, but it never actually scared me and it does now. Fuck, it’s not meant to be like this, this isn’t meant to be our life. Hospital, fear and pain.

Head up, chest out, breathe and don’t forget to smile.

“Hey, Chris.”

There’s no ‘baby’ tonight. There’s not even a ‘Christian’ and my only answer is a low moan.

How sad is it that I have no idea what in hell I’m supposed to say now?

Finally coming all the way into Chris’ room, I’m wondering if I should sit. When I realise it’s take a seat or fall in a heap on the floor, I move to sit down in the same chair I always do. 

“It’s…good to see you without the ventilator.”

Christ, Jared, could you make this any more awkward? Oh wait, I can, I can bring up the weather. We need more rain, everybody says so.

“Jay…”

That’s not my Chris’ voice. It’s rusty, choked and sounds like just thinking about talking hurts.

“Shhhhh.”

Stroking my hand over his hair I realise that everything can wait. We’re broken, that much is impossible to deny, but we’re not shattered, not completely, not yet. 

“Just rest, Christian. I’m taking care of everything, the farm; the kids, even Gemma. Let me take care of you.”

“J-jay.”

“I know, I promise you, I know.”

When Holly comes in with his shot, Chris is with me in body only, but it’s more than I’ve had in months and I’m not ready to let go.

I’m not letting Chris go.

And it feels good to admit that, even if I’m the only person listening.

~*~ 

Blue eyes greet me the next night. Awake, cold, bloodshot blue eyes. I know Holly said they were weening back the drugs, but the line of Chris’ mouth tells me he’s working on a quicker timetable than his doctors had in mind. Forget everything else, if Chris ever loses his stubborn streak then I’ll begin to worry. Mostly about the fact the end of the world is apparently just around the corner. 

Tonight’s not about the end of *the* world though, just me trying to hang on to *my* world.

“Hi.”

And that’s a complete failure as a starting point. I mean it’s not like I’ll need to be on my toes or anything, right?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Chris isn’t smiling, fuck, I don’t even think he’s blinking and he’s sure as hell not speaking.

“Are you…yeah, I was going to ask if you were okay, but I know you aren’t. You look like you’re in more pain than you should be though, Chris.”

“What would you know?”

Great. Can I go back to the nothing I was getting a minute ago? I really didn’t want to play it this way.

“I don’t, not like this, but I know what you look like when you’re hurting, Chris. I live with you, remember?”

“Sometimes.”

Counting to ten now. Three time over.

“If you’re itching for a fight, Chris, just start one properly without these stupid halfhearted jabs. Or better yet, how about I start it and just save you having to put some thought into it. What subject should I pick? I’m a part time boyfriend who doesn’t give enough of a fuck to put you before everything? Nah, you wouldn’t like that one, because you having me around all the time might mean you’d have to let me into the parts of your life that are currently off limits…which is apparently everything that doesn’t involve an orgasm. I can suck a dick, can’t I, Chris? If you don’t like that one, how about we start in on the fact I currently think your cousin and Carlson are the biggest assholes on the planet? You could tell me all about how they’re here for you and your family, how they love you and I obviously don’t, because I’d be here if I did, right? But see, I don’t know your family and all I can do is pray they’re not all like fucking Brandon. What else is there? Which fight do you want to have, Christian?”

I’m back to getting that nothing I wanted a moment ago and I can’t say I’m surprised.

“How about we have the fight that blows everything to hell, Chris. We can both say shit we shouldn’t say but mean anyway and I can storm out and you can sit there and tell yourself that you’re just protecting me for my own good. If you care enough, which I’ll be honest, I’m not sure you do.”

“Why’re you here, Jared?”

“Why am I here?”

Repeating his question doesn’t buy me any time to come up with an answer other than the obvious one. There’s no wine, or roses and the only lighting is florescent. This is going to be the worst declaration of love ever, and it’s going to be received with nothing but contempt. 

Does anybody want to trade places?

“Are you stupid all of a sudden?”

That question doesn’t really need to be examined tonight, does it?

“You’re in the hospital, hurt, and I thought I was your boyfriend. Where else would I be?”

“My boyfriend would be here with my family.”

“Oh, then Steve’s going to bend over for you, is he?”

I can do petty very well, why do you ask?

“Steve is one of my best friends!”

“And he’s also allowed into your life! Chris, nobody fucking called me when you’d been hurt because you let them believe I was nothing important-“

“So what? Now your panties are in a twist?”

“Yes! I fucking love you and you couldn’t care less. I’m sorry, but that fucking upsets me.” 

“If I’m such a lousy boyfriend, leave.”

“Did you miss the part where I said I love you? Because I do, and I’m praying like hell this is all you being your normal bullshit self and thinking you can push me away for my own good. Do you remember when you flew out to L.A., and how you did that for me? What happened, Christian? I thought the hard part was over, that sure we’d hit some rough patches from time to time, but we were a team that’s made it through them together. How’d we get from that night in L.A. to where we are right now? Why are we knee deep in endless shit again? How do we get out of it this time when you won’t even acknowledge me, let alone us?”

I thought, maybe, Christian’s reaction would be contempt for me and my love conquers all naivety, instead my only reaction is no reaction at all. It’s just a whole lot more of the dreaded nothing. I would have preferred option A myself, because that would have meant there was some kind of emotion involved from Christian’s side of the argument, somewhere.

Silence has never been a friend of mine and I can’t cope with it now. It’s not peace, it’s just there, filling the growing gap between us and I can’t listen to nothing for a second longer.

Stepping back from Chris’ bed, I take the seat furthest away. If I get too close I’ll have to touch, and there won’t be any touching tonight.

“I’ve been keeping everything going at the ranch, the animals and the garden. The kids have been out and Gemma must have asked me fifty times where you were. I don’t know how much she would have understood and I didn’t have the heart to tell her the whole truth, so I just said you’d been hurt and were back in the hospital. I told her you’d be back.”

Soon.

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate your pretty white lies.”

“I didn’t lie, you will come back home.”

Maybe not soon, but if that one word keeps Gemma’s hope and smile going, then fuck it. Maybe I wish I had somebody that would tell me that kind of lie. 

“I won’t be able to ride again.”

There’s no telling where this conversation will take us, but without a doubt it won’t be anywhere with pretty scenery.

“You don’t know that for certain, Chris, not yet.”

Not once in the whole time I’ve been sitting here has Chris turned towards my voice, he’s just looking forward with as much expression on his face as he has in his words. Bruised hands are laying on top of the bedcovers, attached to tubes and wires, his fingers completely lax. There’s no gauge for me to work out how much life survives in inside of Chris’ battered body.

“Face facts, Jared, I’ve fucked it all up this time.”

It wasn’t a straw that broken the camel’s back, it was that simple sentence. I haven’t been calm since I walked in here tonight, but now I’m about to take a running leap off of the deep end.

“Then why the fuck were you riding by yourself? You knew I was coming home, though I can’t work out any more if you cared or not, and, fuck it, Brandon was all of ninety minutes away, why couldn’t you just wait?”

“I wanted one last real ride, is that so hard to understand? Both of you would have stopped me.”

Now is not the time to point out we would have had good reason to, is it? I may fucking kill him myself yet. In the mean time I’m on my feet and pacing because I have to do something and smacking him about the head is kind of out of the question right now.

“Yeah, well, I hope you fucking enjoyed it, Chris, because whatever you were thinking before you got on the horse, you’ve damn near guaranteed it will be your last. Christ, I’m trying so fucking hard to understand the incomprehensible and hold together more broken pieces that I know what to do with all because you wanted one last ride. Do you know what kind of a mess you’ve made here? No, of course you don’t. Well, I’d love to sugarcoat it for you, but I’m all out of gummy bears and lollypops and I’m all out of patience too. I don’t know what to do any more, Chris. Do I stay and stick it out because you mean that much to me? Do I give up and save myself the pain? I meant what I said, I love you so fucking much, but I won’t be your doormat, I’m not here for you to wipe your feet on. And I’m not going to let you segment me into a fraction of your life. I will walk beside you every step of the way, fuck it, I’ll even crawl with you if necessary, but we do it together, all of it.”

Chris says nothing, and somehow manages to do even less. Which combines nicely with my spike of whatever the fuck it was going as quickly as it came, so I just sit back down and take a leaf out of Chris’ book by seeing if the meaning of life is written in the same scars all over my hands.

Fencing, it’ll get you every time.

“I’m going to sit here and just be grateful you’re alive. I know you’d probably rather I didn’t, so I won’t ask if it’s okay with you.”

There’s no such thing as a comfortable silence between us anymore and I guess I’m as stubborn as Christian in my own way, because any sane person would be trying to stop themselves from hurting, not adding to it by forcing themselves to endure whatever this is.

Ten minutes of hellish silence later, Holly arrives with Chris’ magic pain relief. Half an hour after that, Chris’ breathing tells me he’s asleep. Now I can really watch him, knowing that this sleep is a one step closer to a normal pattern.

I leave quietly, before Chris wakes up, sneaking a kiss as I go.

If there ever was a plan, it’d be shot to hell by now. So I guess the fact I have no idea what I’m doing isn’t a bad thing after all.

Right?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

~*~

Mom left yesterday, and I’m driving Jeff to the airport this morning. I can’t say I’m happy to see either of them leave, but I know they have to, which explains why right now I’m sitting on the back porch waiting for my brother to do whatever he’s doing that’s taking so damn long.

“Are you going to be okay, JT?”

My excuse for jumping is Jeff startled me, and when I turn towards him I guess the look I give Jeff says more than words ever could, but he’s making some weird snorting sound and shaking his head.

“You know what I meant little brother, so now is not the time to revert into the snot nosed, smart assed teenager I once wanted to smother in his sleep.”

“Then don’t ask me stupid fucking questions. Whatever happens, I’ll be okay eventually. But until I know what exactly what I’m going to be getting through, or over, things aren’t going to be pretty no matter how you look at it.”

“I can stay a little longer.”

My first instinct is to beg and say ‘please’ over and over, so instead I’m actually biting my tongue to stop any of that breaking free. It takes a couple of minutes for me to get over that instinct and speak.

“No, you can’t. Your family needs you, and you have to get back to work. Jeff, it’s not that I haven’t needed you here, because we both know I have, but this isn’t something that’s going to be done and dusted in the next two weeks. Chris has months of hospitals and rehab and therapy ahead of him and you guys can’t be holding my hand the whole time.”

“What’re you going to do while all of that’s happening? You have to work too, and the awards are coming up…”

Jeff lets his words fall away, waiting, I think, for me to pick them up.

“The awards are irrelevant. As far as work goes, I’ll probably have some voiceovers and shit to do with the stuff from Prague, but I’ll deal with that when I have too. I know it’s not what anybody wants to hear, but I’m not going to be taking any jobs while Chris is in the hospital. I know he doesn’t want me with him, and I have no doubt I’ll be listening to my manager tell me I’m committing career suicide but I have to put my money where my mouth is, Jeff. I’ve told Chris I won’t leave and I won’t. I doubt he’ll give a shit, but I will, and I need to know I’ve done everything I could’ve.”

All Jeff does is put his hand on my shoulder, it’s like he knows how close to falling apart I am and that something as simple as a hug would push me off the cliff’s edge.

“You don’t think you and Chris are going to make it through this, do you?”

Now that’s a question I can answer.

“Nope. But I won’t be the once to give in.”

At least that’s the plan right now.

“You’ll call us if it gets too bad? If you need to come to Texas, even for a day or two, or you need one of us up here?”

My nod feels less like lying than spoken words would, but I know I won’t call.

Jeff probably knows too.

I have to do this alone since the person I should be doing it with doesn’t give a fuck.

When I stand my knees pop like I’m twenty years older than my drivers licences tells me I am. I’ll count that as a bonus because I feel fifty years older at least. 

“C’mon, bro, if we don’t leave now you’ll miss your plane and I know Kelly and the kids miss you.”

The hug Jeff wraps me is hard and, thankfully, short, but my breath is still stuck in my throat when he steps back.

“You know I love you?”

“I know.”

This is not one of those ‘I love you too’ moments.

“C’mon, then, let’s hit the road.”

When I pull up at the drop off area, Jeff slaps my back and tells me he’ll call tonight. I just nod, smile and quietly say ‘thank you’. It’s not a normal Padalecki goodbye, but when Jeff walks into the terminal my eyes are burning.

A mile from the airport that burning is something I can no longer ignore and as soon as I kill the engine the tears start to fall. It helps the burning in my eyes but not the fire destroying my soul.

It’s an hour before I start the truck again and all that crying has accomplished nothing. But it has given me a killer fucking headache.

~*~

I was still in Prague when they announced the nominees for this year’s Oscars. 

And my name was one of those they announced in the best actor category. 

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Which, surprisingly enough, was not my first reaction. 

‘Candle Flame’ was the movie that I should have been too fucked up to make, and with all things being equal, even if I did manage to turn up every day, my performance should have fucking sucked like a two dollar whore. But it didn’t, I didn’t, and I knew, I just *knew* that I’d given every good thing I had left to give to that role. My reward for a job very well done wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be though. After we were done shooting the film, I thought I was invincible because I could be a complete fuck up and still pull an amazing character portrayal out of my ass. It turned out that the one role I couldn’t pull off though was that of an adult and a best friend. Because of me thinking I was nothing short of a demi-god, Danni took Matthew and left Jen, which left me standing on a doorstep in Oklahoma. 

I’m not proud of who I was when I made that film, but I am proud of what ended up on the big screen. So it might be considered weird that most precious memory I have of the night it premiered is the fact Chris was there. He came for me, because he wanted to be there for me.

Christian Kane was standing beside me that night and that still means more to me than anything anybody saw on the screen that night.

When that night ended I never thought we’d be as fucked up as we are now ever again, let alone not even twelve months later.

Then Jeff had to go and remind me about the award ceremony. 

Seriously, how many people do you know that would forget about being nominated for an Oscar? But I had, which is just one more thing that’s suddenly the exact opposite of what it once was. When Mom finally got hold of me to tell me about the nomination, I was…well, actually I was wondering how the hell she beat my manager to the punch, but apart from that I started making plans in between the fifty odd phone calls I took that night. Everybody called, Megan, Jeff and Kelly, Mom, again so Dad could talk to me as well, Jen, even Chad gave me a quiet, subdued ‘well done’ which made me think that maybe we could salvage what was once a hell of a friendship. But the last call I took, when I could barely keep my eyes open and I knew there were only single digit hours left until I had to be back on set, was Christian. He told me he was proud of me, and that I deserved it. I told him it was the role that deserved it, but, god, I felt so good because I could hear the pride in Chris’ voice. And it was for me.

Me.

I remember telling Chris how fucking sexy he’d look in the tux I was going to make him wear and Chris made the gratuitous comment about how he’d look better out of it. I got an hours sleep that night but I breezed through the following day on a high that I have never felt before.

That was three weeks ago give or take, and I’ve well and truly fallen back to earth with a thud now. Since I’ve been home there have been a few words of congratulations, from David and, surprisingly, Mr and Mrs Kane, and there was one late night conversation with Mom where she gave me the whole ‘Dad and I are so proud of you no matter what’ speech, but whatever real hype there has been has taken place so far out of my orbit that yeah, I forgot there was somewhere else other than Oklahoma I was expected to be.

It can probably also be blamed on the fact my phone met a very untimely end against the kitchen wall.

I still haven’t replaced my cell, but my agent timed everything just right this morning and caught me inside when she called the ranch’s landline. She was calling to see when Chris and I would be in town and what I needed her to arrange.

That was the exact moment that it occurred to me that nobody outside of Christian’s friends and family knew he’d been hurt. I don’t know why, but I thought the news would have made it out there somewhere, and the fact it hadn’t kind of stopped me in my tracks.

So Angie would have had no idea what I was talking about when I answered her questions with, ‘yeah, can you help me get my life back?’ Besides, as good as Angie is, there’s no turning back time no matter how much I wish for a Delorian. So instead I told her that no, everything was okay and I’d call her tomorrow to let her know what was going on.

You know, arrangements to cover the fact I’ve been nominated for an Academy Award and I won’t be at the auditorium to see who wins. I’ve even got a list happening of what I need to do. There’s all of one thing on it.

Call Jensen and ask him to take Danni and have a night out on me. 

That’s my entire plan and I’ll put in into action right after I spend another hour or two getting abused, or ignored, by Chris.

They moved him to this not quite a hospital but not a rehab facility either about a week ago, and dear god I miss Holly. I miss just having somebody that I don’t watch myself with constantly. Christian’s parents are still here, and things are better between us. But its not like they’re meeting me as their son’s boyfriend because Chris won’t acknowledge my existence most days, and it’s all just a little confusing. For them and me.

As far as everybody else goes, they have lives that don’t stop just because Christian Kane is the poster child for stupid and they’ve had to go back to the real world. Apart from Brandon. I swear the only time he leaves Chris alone is when I walk in the door. 

I’m feeling tired, bitter and older than Methuselah, can you tell?

I kind of wish that just once I’d like to know what’s waiting for me, or more to the point, who is waiting for me. Basically I get one of two versions, there’s the in pain with nobody else to take it out on Christian, or sticking my head in the sand ignoring the fact Jared even exists Christian. Anything else is really just variations on those themes. I get yelled at, or I get silence, there is no in between. Not even ‘can I have a glass of water’.

My first hurdle for the visit is cleared when I pull into the parking lot. Amazingly, Brandon’s vehicle isn’t around, thank god. There are things I need to say today that I know will be ignored, but I really don’t need somebody that can’t stand the sight of me listening to me as I carve off a few more slices of my soul.

Walking into the hospital that wants us to think it’s not a hospital I can’t help thinking it’s getting old. I know I shouldn’t, its not me lying there, and I know I promised I’d finish what I started, but, yeah. I still promise David every time he calls, even though it’s starting to feel a little like I’m lying to him.

The nursing staff smile as I walk in, but when I’m about three steps past them I can see the reflections of their looks of sympathy in the glass doors I’m about to walk through. They’re happy to see me, because I take what I’m sure gets dished out to them when I’m not here, but that just means they know exactly how it feels to be on the wrong end of Christian Kane’s tongue and that’s a position nobody in their right mind would wish even their worst enemy in.

Okay, here goes nothing. Taking a deep breath I can’t fully exhale, I walk into Chris’ private room.

“Hey, Chris.”

“Get out.”

I’d be worried if that wasn’t the greeting I get daily. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cut a little deeper every day as well.

“We both know I’m not leaving just yet, so suck it up, princess.”

“Why not?”

That’s new, and not exactly a welcome change. He should know why not, shouldn’t he?

“You’re seriously asking why I’m not leaving? Don’t you know how charming and pleasant you are? Why do you think I’d deprive myself of these wonderful daily memories we’re making?”

I did mention I was bitter and tired, didn’t I?

“Thanks, Jared, a little sarcasm is just what I needed today.”

Normally, I’m a little better at holding my tongue, honest I am.

“Then how about you tell me what you do need and I’ll give it to you, Christian. Ask me for anything and it’s yours.”

“Sure you will. That’s why you won’t fucking leave me alone no matter how many times I ask, isn’t it?”

Ever since that first night Chris woke up, and whatever room he’s in, I’ve always taken the seat furthest from his bed, out of reach and almost out of sight. It’s a set pattern and I’m not changing it tonight. 

“I don’t know how to leave you alone, Chris, I’m an idiot, I love you too much for that.”

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told him that. I know exactly how many times he’s acknowledged my words.

None.

“When are you leaving?”

Fuck me, I can’t do this today. At least if I was beating my head against a brick wall it would feel good when I stopped. 

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not leaving? Tell me the words I need to use so that it’ll actually get it through that thick head of yours, please?”

For the first time since he woke up, Chris bites back whatever smart assed comeback he had and tries for something civil. 

“You have the awards.”

Is it too much to wish he’d actually look at me? You know, just once.

Nevermind, it’s a question I already know the answer too.

“No, I *had* the awards. I’m not going.”

“Don’t be so fucking stupid, Jared, you have to go.”

There’s not a second of eye contact and I can’t even look for it anymore; instead I’m pulling at a thread on the seam of my jeans. Because you know what? I don’t have to do anything.

“Whatever, if you say so.”

Yes, I know as a comeback it’s as twelve year old as you can get, but let’s face it, any attempt at actually explaining myself is just a waste of oxygen, words and effort.

“So you’re happy to piss it all away after all, are you, Jared?”

Despite everything, that gets me looking at him, because, seriously, what the fucking fuck? He thinks me standing by him amounts to the same thing as me trying to drink and drug myself dead? How does something like love get that fucked up in one person’s head?

“What the hell are you on about, Chris? What am I pissing away? A photo op? There’ll be others, and if not, god knows there’s enough fucking pictures of me on the internet anyway. Or are you talking about my five minutes of glory if by some cosmic conversion of planets I actually beat Johnny Depp? It honestly doesn’t matter if I win or not, because I’ve already done the film and I know I gave the best I had to give and I don’t need a bunch of people I’ve never met to validate that.”

Okay, that last part took some serious thinking but it is actually true. Win or lose, that piece is my best work to date. The end.

“There are people who would give their left testicle to be in that theatre and up for an Academy Award.”

No, I shouldn’t say what I’m about to, but it’s getting said anyway.

“You mean you would, don’t you? Well guess what, Kane, it’s not you and you don’t get to make my decisions for me. For some fucked up reason, I think being here with you is more important, so I’m staying.”

“I don’t want you here.”

That snort wasn’t polite, but, c’mon.

“Tell me something I don’t know, Chris.”

“So why’re you still here?”

Right now, I’m fucked if I know.

“Because I love you.”

And I’m praying like hell you might remember feeling something for me as well. Okay, something other than irritation and contempt. But like every other time I’ve said the words, they’re ignored.

I don’t know what to say anymore and the longer the silence is between us the harder it is to fill it. Even though in my head I’m trying phrases like ‘How was therapy’, ‘What did the doctor have to say’ or ‘How about The Sooners’ on for size, practicing how they sound, I literally can’t make myself open my mouth and speak any of them. So Chris gets lost in The Deadliest Catch and I get lost in general.

There’s so much I want to say, and even more I need to say but I can’t even ask which boat is the Cornelia Marie.

Two hours later Chris is asleep and I just quietly walk out. I want to wonder if he’ll know I’m gone but sometimes I don’t even know if he realises I was there in the first place.

~*~

~Jensen’s POV~

There are a lot of ways I imagined myself watching Jared get his first Oscar, because even after everything, I never doubted he’d eventually get nominated. At one point I thought we’d be doing it posthumously, Heath Ledger style. Then I wondered if he’d be collecting it in a train wreck fashion a la Anna Nicole. Over the years I honestly thought I’d covered off all possibilities.

All of them except this one.

I never pictured myself sitting here with Danni, and her holding my hand to stop it from shaking as Kate Hudson and Goldie Hawn walk to the podium and start to read from the prompter.

“Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful Mom and I are here to present the Oscar for Best Actor in a Leading Role. Here are the nominations.”

Poor Danni, now I think I’m about to break her fingers as Goldie’s voice replaces Kate’s.

“Jake Gyllenhaal for ‘The Sea’.”

The applause for Jake is as strong and sure as he was in that role. He was seriously brilliant.

There’s the usual highlights montage and stuff before it’s Kate’s turn again.

“Johnny Depp for ‘Wish You Were Here’.”

If anybody beats Jared I hope it’s Johnny, because there seriously aren’t words for how good he was in that movie. The clip we see makes me want to watch it all over again.

Goldie’s back.

“Zac Efron for ‘Showboat’.”

Seriously, what the fuck was the Academy thinking. I think I zoned out during the clip of Mr Efron’s amazing…yeah, fucked if I know what he’s amazing at. That movie would’ve been better if it had actually been a remake of the original.

“George Clooney for ‘One Leg at a Time’.”

George will always be George. And if it can’t be Jared or Johnny, please let it be George.

“And lastly but by no means least, Jared Padalecki for ‘Candle Flame’.”

I don’t registered Jared on the big screen or his words, because I’m too busy wondering if I’ll throw up or something. I don’t think I could cope if I was actually nominated.

“And the winner is…”

They’re opening the envelope. It’s in Goldie’s hands.

“Jared Padalecki for ‘Candle Flame’!”

The screen behind the Hollywood mother and daughter royalty lights up with a picture of Jared, and since I know the director is aware Jay’s not here I’ll bet the camera’s on me as I raise Danni’s hand to my lips, kissing her fingers in thanks that she’s still here with me, then I’m on my feet, straightening my jacket and doing exactly what Jared asked me to do.

Even though he was very specific about what he wanted me to say, I don’t need his notes, I just take the statuette and smile.

“For those of you that don’t remember, my name is Jensen Ackles and I once played Jared’s brother on some TV show and as his stand in, pretend big brother he wanted me to be the one to thank this huge list of people. His mom and dad who he adores, his real brother, Jeff, and his sister, Megan, and their families because they’ve had to put up with him for a long time. He thanks absolutely everybody involved with this amazing picture, the producer, the director, the tech crew, make up, catering and every single P.A., gofer and grip. He owes you all so very much, because I know how hard you all had to work to make Jared look as good as he did, believe me.”

While everybody’s laughing, I take a breath that goes all the way down to my toes because this next part is the really important bit.

“Jared couldn’t be here tonight because his partner, Christian Kane, was involved in a serious accident a month or so back and Jared knew where he had to be. Love apparently is more important than everything else. So I’m just going to say thank you on Jared’s behalf and if I forgot anybody, blame Jared. And Christian?” I make sure the award is in frame “This really is for you.”

With a pretty blonde on each arm, I head backstage knowing I’ve done my part. It’s up to Jared and Christian now, and for the first time in a very long time, it’s not Jared’s ability to pull it off that I’m worried about.

~*~ 

~Jared’s POV~

I hate this hospital. 

No, that’s not exactly a new realisation, but every time I walk in here the sterile, antiseptic smell is like gasoline to the flames that my nerves have become and all of that leaves me scared to open my mouth in case all that comes out is vomit.

Tonight that feeling is multiplied by about a hundred, because I made a promise to David and there’s every chance I’m about to break that promise into tiny unrepairable pieces.

It’s not that I don’t love Christian; fuck it would be impossible for me to love him more, but I’m worn so thin and stretched so taut that realistically I should be a thousand pieces of Jared by now. It’s just that all of a sudden I don’t know if I can go one more round. And knowing why Chris is doing this, understanding that he thinks he’s doing this for me, well, that stopped helping me cope what feels like forever ago. 

I can’t see why people think I’m stronger than I know. I don’t feel it. Every time I walk into this hospital I feel my gut drop to my knees and I want to run away so damn badly. I don’t think the fact I keep walking makes me stronger, for the most part I think it makes me stupid, and a glutton for punishment. It doesn’t matter how many time Mom or Megan try to tell me my persistence is a good thing, because surely if it was a good thing I’d be getting somewhere. 

Or at least not moving backward.

Christian can’t see me from where I’m standing in the hall at the moment; I discovered that the first week he was here. It’s normally where I hesitate, trying to prepare for what’s about to come my way, wonder if he’s asleep or not, or to see if Brandon’s around and I have to steel myself in a whole different way for that. If Chris is alone, for a second, I see somebody familiar to me, and if he’s not, well, the person I get then is hardly a surprise to me, is he?

There’s no way I’m in any shape to deal with any of that tonight, and yet, here I am, lining up to sucker-punched one more time.

The television’s on in his room, I can hear sound, but not enough to know what he’s watching. Is it the Oscars? Is he expecting to see me there with rent-a-bimbo on my arm?

Or is he watching Scooby Doo reruns because he really doesn’t care what I do? 

That’s what he keeps telling me, he doesn’t care. Not about me, or what I do, or what I can do for him. He doesn’t feel a thing.

Maybe, if I ask nicely, he can tell me how he does it. And maybe that’ll stop this endless fucking merry-go-round I can’t find a way to get my ass off of.

Right now though it’s time to climb aboard the fibreglass horse and ride it up and down over and over one last time.

I’m barely through the doorway when he speaks.

“You’re not there.”

Moving into the room, I stop just out of Chris’ line of sight, but I can see the TV. They’re presenting best picture. I wonder if I won.

“No.”

I told you I wasn’t leaving you, and I meant it. Then.

“Why not?”

“I told you why not.”

I’ve talked myself blue in the face, but for all the impression it’s made I might as well have just held my breath. In the end it would have had the same effect.

“You expected me to believe that bullshit song and dance you gave me?”

Did you hear that? Did anybody other than me hear the shattering sound I made? There are pieces of me everywhere. I’ll never find them all.

Stepping in front of the TV and wrapping my arms around my middle, I know this is it. I should be yelling, but I’m not. I can’t.

“I gave up expecting you to believe anything I said a month ago. I’ve told you I loved you, promised you as long as I can be with you, together we can deal with anything. All I got in return was you looking at me like you couldn’t work out why I was even here in the first place. I’ve taken every low blow and sucker punch you’ve thrown at me because I kept telling myself I’d never know how it felt to be in your shoes and sooner or later you’d remember…me. I was hoping you’d remember me. You didn’t, you haven’t and as I much as I wanted, if I’m the only person that wants then there’s nothing here, is there? I’ve been everybody’s punching bag and all I can think to say is congratulations. I’m broken, Chris, I surrender. I love you, but do you even understand those words? I fucking love you, you are everything to me. Why am I here and not sitting in an auditorium clapping my way through some stupid fucking awards ceremony? Because you’re here. You. Are. Here.”

Sometime in the middle of my rambling, I started crying. It’s not for dramatic effect, it’s because my life…is not the life I thought was mine after all.

“You’ve won, Christian. You, Brandon, Steve, everybody that decided I wasn’t part of your inner sanctum, wasn’t part of the family Kane, you’ve all won. I’ll stay at the ranch and keep the riding lessons up, look after the animals and make sure your corn doesn’t go to seed. I…I guess there are some modifications you’ll have to make to the house, too, so I can see if I can find a builder to talk to your doctors and quote up the changes, or I can just leave it to Brandon, he’s…Brandon. But can you do me a favour? Let David tell me how you’re doing…and when it’s time for me to leave, let him tell me. I couldn’t stand the gloating that’ll come from anybody else.”

Finally meeting Chris’ eyes, I see nothing there. Nothing but Kane pride. It’s not like I can say I’m surprised.

“I could say I’ll see you around, but I know I won’t. You are loved, Christian, I’m sorry it… that I wasn’t enough.”

Walking out of Christian’s room I come face to face with my least favourite person on the planet, Brandon. He’s leaning against the wall opposite the doorway, but I’m not stopping. I’d crawl on my stomach over cut glass for Chris, but his cousin is nothing to me, so I nod and try to keep walking.

“I didn’t think you’d be here tonight.”

He started it, I swear to god he started it and a heartbeat later, Brandon is up against the wall with my forearm pressed over this throat. 

“You don’t know me, you know nothing about me. You’ve made your opinion of absolutely fucking everything known and now you can sleep at night knowing that you helped cost your precious cousin something that could have been absolutely fucking amazing. Are you proud of that, Hart, tell me, are you? I love that fucking jackass in there in a way you never could and yet you’re one of the main reasons I’m walking away, go you. So if by some cosmic joke we ever have to face each other again, don’t talk to me, don’t say a fucking word, or I’ll show you exactly how much of a doormat I’m not.”

For a second my arm presses harder, then I step back and let him fall. I’m not proud of myself, I’m not happy. Like I said, I’m tired and old and now you can add dying for a drink into the mix.

I think it’s okay if I get drunk tonight, as long as it’s only tonight. The kids will be coming out later in the week, and Gemma’s finally consented to riding with me, but she never fails to let me know I’m a poor man’s Kane.

Yeah, I’m going to get drunk tonight. After all, I might have just won an Oscar. Or I might have lost to Zac Efron.

Both are good enough reason to drink yourself stupid in the dark, right?

Right. 

~*~

~Brandon’s POV~

“He’s not in L.A.”

“I know.”

Boy oh boy do I know. The urge to rub my throat isn’t going to leave me alone for the next few hours, but I refuse to touch it in front of Christian.

“He won.”

“He did?”

Yes, Chris and I often have conversations like this, we always have.

“Yep. Jensen accepted for him, thanked everybody…told the world Jay wasn’t there because he needed to be here. But he didn’t, did he? He hasn’t had to be here at all, and, yet, this is where he is. Or he was.”

I didn’t need to overhear what Jared just said, or see the streaks his tears had left to know I’d made some huge mistakes with him, I’m not quite that ignorant, but both of those things were some pretty spectacular illustrations to drive the point home.

Christian, though, he’s confusing me.

“Chris, you’ve been telling him to fuck off for weeks.”

“I never expected him to stay, you know?”

If I look the way I feel I must have the world’s weirdest look on my face. I think Chris is trying to tell me something, but I also think that he has no idea what that something is.

“Christian, talk me, what’s going on inside that head of yours?” 

“Wouldn’t you be in L.A. if you were nominated for an Oscar?”

“Not if somebody I loved had nearly died a month ago.”

When people start something with ‘it’s funny’ they normally mean it’s anything but. Like me, right now, because it’s funny how saying that one sentence out loud makes everything Jared has been through real to me. And trust me, funny is the exact opposite of what it is.

“Oh fuck, Chris, we’ve…I’ve underestimated Jared.”

But Christian doesn’t look surprised, he just nods in agreement.

“I know. I let you.”

“Seriously, Christian, tell me what the hell you’re trying to say, please. Just stop with the cryptic shit and tell me.”

“I thought Jared would get sick of me and my life, so I kept him separate from everybody else. When I spoke to you, I made us sound like it was no big deal, so that when he left I’d be the only one that knew what he meant and you’d all…think Jared was the dick. I don’t…do sympathy well.”

Speaking of assholes.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious. Fuck, Chris, that’s pretty heartless. Actually, no, I take that back, what it is is completely selfish. How could you do that to Jared, not to mention the rest of your family who would have cried for joy if they knew you had somebody that loved you. Hell, man, I was the one that told Momma not to bother calling him, that he wasn’t important, Chris, and on my say-so Jared was completely shut out because the whole family thought he didn’t matter. They trusted me, because I’m the one that’s closest to you, and now you’re telling me you lied to save yourself some pain that probably wouldn’t have appeared in the first place? How the hell did that kind of reasoning ever make sense to you?”

“I…wanted the little I’d get of him to be mine and mine alone.”

The look on my face is utter amazement. I can’t believe what Chris is saying.

“And you think that makes all of this okay somehow?”

“No, I know it fucking doesn’t, Brandon. I knew, I absolutely fucking knew that Jared would win an Oscar for ‘Candle Flame’. Then he’d go collect his prize, become the darling of Hollywood he was always meant to be and that would be that. He wouldn’t dump me, but he’d come back less and less, the phone calls and the like would drop off, and then there’d just be me. But it’s never been just me, has it?”

Oh thank you, God. Finally, he gets it. 

“No. Never.”

“Now, Jensen’s collecting Jared’s award, telling the whole world it’s for me at exactly the same moment Jared’s telling me he’s over being a doormat. But Jared can’t even just dump me and leave, no, he’s staying to keep the farm ready for me, keep up the classes, look after the renovations and the only thing he asked for in return was that Dave be allowed to tell him how I am and when I was ready to come home so he could be gone. That’s it. I love you, I’ll fix your life just make sure Dave’s the one to tell him to fuck off. He wasn’t going to go, Brandon. He might have had to travel once in a while, but he was never going to leave until I made it impossible for him to stay.”

It wasn’t just Christian that did that, but that’s a hair splitting argument that really doesn’t need to be had.

“Okay then, what the hell can I do to help get him to stay, Christian?” 

The sound that Chris makes isn’t a laugh, and it’s anything but pleasant.

“That’s the bitch of it, Brandon, maybe it’s better if you don’t.” 

I’ve never been a big fan of Boreanaz’s smack Chris for being a dick whether he’s down or not attitude, but it’s the only course of action that even comes close to making sense, because right now I want to shake Christian until his teeth rattle right out of his head. To say I’ve made a mess of things with Jared is like calling Johnny Cash Whatshisname, and in all reality there is probably no way I can ever completely make up for it, but there is something I can do. For whatever reason, Jared won’t stand up for himself around Christian, or the rest of the Family Kane, and I know Jensen tried to talk to Christian about Jared before he left, but I also know it went in one ear and out the other without making any pit stops in the grey matter in between. But I can make Christian listen to me, and, yeah, I do mean *make*. It’s the very least I can do for Jared.

So I’m leaning down, my clenched fists braced either side of Chris’ hips conscious of the fact I really can’t jostle Chris, and my face ends up about two inches from his. Personal space and propriety be damned.

“The man just gave up what could be the most important night of his career - for you. He’s done nothing but take care of you the only way we’d all let him, he has let you and me and god knows who else hurt him over and over, he loves you, and you’re telling me it would be better if we keep letting him spill his guts all over the floor just so he can hurt some more? Are you even fucking listening to yourself, Christian? Jared’s been ripped apart, you’re a fucking mess, and you’re still going to let him go? Fine, great, you do that, you’re a big boy and nobody can stop you. But me? I’m going to go out to you and Jared’s home, and give the best fucking apology of my life. You can do what ever you fucking want to, because that’ll just be business as usual, right?”

Never, and I do mean never have I walked out on my cousin when he couldn’t chase after me, but tonight I don’t even look back. I’ll be back tomorrow, or maybe the day after, but tonight it’s past time I made a meal of my pride and I don’t expect it’ll be very palatable.

~*~

~Jared’s POV~

It only takes three quick shots of tequila for me to realise that I really don’t want to get drunk. There’s this little problem with that though. I don’t really remember eating today, and by the time the shot glass hits the table that third time, it’s already too late for that that particular realisation.

I’m not drunk, just tipsy. And queasy.

I should ring my Mom, Jeff, Meg, Jensen, somebody because I still don’t know who won best actor. I think I’ll give the phone thing a miss though, because even the impatiently flashing light of the answering machine is making me want to smash it. I’m sure if I turned my cell phone back on there’d be another frustrating ‘answer me’ symbol on that as well. I’ll look at them both tomorrow.

Maybe.

Yeah, okay, probably not.

I will have to call David and tell him I’m sorry though.

This place doesn’t take as much upkeep as I’d like to pretend it does and as far as getting it ready for Chris to come back to, well, who the hell knows if he’ll come back here at all, so tomorrow I guess I can start working out where I’ll get my mail sent to when I leave.

I’ve always liked Vancouver.

What I want to do is find a part of this house that is steeped in Chris and just curl up in him for a week or two. I could pretend I’m happy and that I know what it feels like to be loved. But it’s been too long and not even Chris’ bedroom smells or feels like him anymore.

I wonder if alcohol always made me this morbid?

You know what, fuck what I want, I’m not getting what I want so why not finish at least one job tonight and get completely drunk? No, I don’t want to, but what the fuck else am I going to do? Plant carrots in the middle of the night at completely the wrong season?

Somebody knocking at the front door is not the answer I wanted. I think I was the last person to use that door, ten or so months ago, so whoever it is can’t know Christian. The lights aren’t on, neither is the TV or any music, so I’m just going to sit here until they go away.

Ten minutes later I come to the conclusion they’re not going to go away. Maybe it’s somebody lost and desperate. Just like the last person to use the front door.

Wobbling to my feet because of the alcohol, no food and exhaustion thing, I purposely make my way to the door opening it and slamming it shut in one not so fluid movement. 

I could list a hundred people I’d talk to before Brandon Hart. Hell there would be serial killers on the list before him.

“Jared, please, I’d like to talk to you.”

Opening the door again, I just stare at him.

“There is nothing to talk about anymore. I’m just a caretaker here now. Go away.”

Please go away, I refuse to cry in front of you of all people.

“Jared, ask me in, please. I’ll do all the talking and when I’m done, you can happily throw me out if you want to.”

“Told you, I’m just the caretaker, you want to come in, there’s nothing here stopping you.”

“Yes, there is. This is your home, and I haven’t respected that so far. If you don’t want to invite me in, that’s okay. I’ll come back tomorrow and the day after that until you do.”

Just great. I can’t face this guy for days on end so I might as well get this over with.

“C’mon in.” 

Stepping off to the side, I wave Brandon in, still confused and having no clue what to expect. Brandon was the only member of Christian’s family that I did meet and see every now and then but look how we’ve proved to be such great friends of late. Shutting the door, I head back to my chair. Fucked if I’m going to go all Susie Hostess on him by offering him milk and cookies.

Or some of my tequila. 

“I, ahhh, congratulations.”

“What for?”

There’s nothing to do with Christian he could be congratulating me for…I hope.

“Chris told me you won the Oscar.”

I’ll ponder the symbolism of Brandon being the one to tell me that later. Much later. Maybe a year from now.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks. I was wondering who’d won. My money was on Depp.”

“You didn’t know?”

All I can do is shrug and pick at my jeans without raising my eyes to meet Brandon’s.

“Nope. There were other things more important to me tonight.”

“Chris never thought for a minute you wouldn’t go.”

I can’t do this. Not now, and not ever with the guy in front of me.

“Great, whatever. Why are you here, Brandon? I mean we could carry on with this semi-polite bullshit for another hour or month, but it’s not getting us anywhere. So can you just tell me why you’re here then leave me alone.”

No, it wasn’t meant to be an olive branch, it’s meant to be a pitchfork up his ass.

“I’m not sure I know where to start. I could give this whole spiel about how it’s all Christian’s fault, but that’s only part of the truth and, to be honest, kind of useless knowledge. I’m here to say I’m sorry, Jared. Even if you were all I thought you were, or weren’t, I had no right to treat you like the mud I scrape off my boots. I didn’t really know you before all of this, but since it happened you’ve been…strong is the only word I can think of, but it’s not the right one, because it doesn’t say enough. Looking after this place and the riding lessons with the kids, taking Christian’s anger when he used you as the release valve for pretty much everything he wouldn’t let anybody else see. I let it into my head that you weren’t important and…and I was wrong. And I was jealous. It’s always been Chris and I, then, suddenly there was you. I can tell myself Chris didn’t tell me you were important until I’m blue in the face, but it’s bullshit, I always knew, but if Chris didn’t admit it, then I didn’t have to either. But people are meant to have partners as well as family, it’s not an either or situation. None of this excuses anything, but you deserve to hear it. Chris should have somebody like you, that’s exactly how it’s meant to be. Unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact I was still jealous.”

Tonight of all nights, Brandon’s here saying…shit it’s too late to say.

“Great, but you weren’t wrong. I’m done, it’s over. I’ll help with the renovations and upkeep of this place if that’s the way Christian decides to go, if not, I’ll help get it ready to sell. But I need to…go somewhere else and do my own healing.”

Which will never happen, not completely, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?

“Is there anything I can say that’ll change your mind, Jared? About the leaving thing I mean. Chris needs you.”

I don’t know how to deal with this, not now, not tonight. And you know what? I don’t want too.

“Why? You fucking hate me, Brandon. Is all of this grovelling shit because you’re afraid if I leave you’ll have to deal with Chris’ frustration? I wouldn’t worry if I were you, he doesn’t hurt those he loves.”

“Yeah, he does. Especially when he loves them as much as he does you.”

“Bullshit! Don’t lie to me. You don’t like me, I get it, but don’t fucking lie to me!” 

That would be at the top of the list of things I can’t cope with right now.

“I’m not lying to you, I’ve done enough damage without adding to it, but what I am going to do is apologise, say what I need to say and leave you be.”

“And if I don’t want to listen?”

Whether Brandon knows it or not, there’s no fight left in me now and the only way I won’t hear what he’s got to say is if he gets up and walks out.

“I’m hoping you’ll be a bigger man than I was, Jared, that’s all.”

That’s all. ‘I’ve been a dick, but now I expect you to be a grown up.’ It’s not much, is it?

“You’ve fucked up and I have to be a man about it? Whatever, Brandon. Just get it over with.”

After all, I have a pressing date with tequila, even if I am hoping he’ll stand me up.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole and a jerk, I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you since Christian got hurt, because my feelings shouldn’t have entered into everything as much as they did. I’m not blaming anybody but myself for the way everything has turned out, but I’m asking you not to blame the Kane’s, because they took their lead from me. Let’s face it, there are a thousand and one things I could be sorry for and there’s nothing I can say that’ll make any of them okay. I know I have no right to ask for anything, which is exactly what I am doing, and I will beg if it’ll help, but please give Christian one last chance to tell you how he feels. I know he’s the only one that can get you to stay.”

“That’s it?”

Brandon shrugs and I push myself upright.

“You’re sorry, great, what do you want from me? A medal or a chest to pin it on? And I never did blame the Kane’s, not really. But did you listen to the crap you just sprouted? Chris said, you knew, blah blah blah and now you want me to… you know what, just fucking leave, Brandon. Please just get the fuck out.”

And he does, without another word. I’m still standing in the middle of the room.

Was I going to do something before Brandon arrived? I can’t remember.

Somehow I end up sitting cross legged in the middle of the living room and I don’t move until it’s time to feed the horses.

Apparently I don’t have to get drunk anymore to lose hours of my night.

~*~

~Christian’s POV~

There’s no warning, just his voice. And when I look up, Jared’s standing in the doorway with his shoulders slumped, hands jammed into his pockets and his eyes staring directly at the wall behind my head.

“This is it, your last chance. I’m here and that’s all the compromise you’re getting. You’re either honest with me and you do what you need to make me stay, or I’m gone. If it comes to that, I never want to hear from you again.”

I really wish I could move myself towards Jared, just so I can touch him one last time. But in the long run, maybe it’s better that I can’t. I just don’t know which of us it would be better for.

“I’m getting shifted to a live-in rehab facility next week.”

This in between not a hospital has done all it can for me, and really that’s been fuck all.

“Stop telling me shit I already know. You don’t have time to waste by fucking around, Christian.”

I wonder if he knows this?

“I’ll never walk with a cane again. It’ll be a walker or crutches at best for short, limited periods and a wheelchair the rest of it.”

The wall behind me must be very interesting because it’s holding Jared’s gaze like he’s mesmerised. I’m glad he finds something in this room interesting.

“That’s nice, but I’d worked that out for myself. I’m not stupid you know.”

Jared can yell, dear god can he yell, but right now he’s just speaking in this monotone almost whisper thing I could quickly learn to hate. I think I’d really like to hear him scream his guts out right now. Rant, rave, get up in my face and show some emotion instead of being…me.

Here goes nothing.

“I can’t get an erection.”

“I’m gone.”

He actually turns around and gets two, maybe three, Jared steps down the corridor.

“I love you! I fucking love you!”

Yes, it’s me doing the yelling, but he’ll never hear me if I don’t.

Thankfully, he comes back, against standing in the doorway, still waiting.

“Jared, please…Jay, please.”

This time, he takes a step inside the room. Then another, before stopping at the foot of the bed.

“Okay, you’re on the right track. Keep going.”

Learning to walk again, for the third time, will be easier than this conversation, won’t it? The quality of my life from here on in doesn’t depend on me learning how to use my legs again, though.

There is one question though that I can’t stop myself from asking even if I wanted to, and I don’t because I need to know the answer.

“What if love isn’t enough, Jay?”

“How about I tell you exactly what isn’t enough, Chris? What we’ve got, or had before you got on that damn horse, that’s not even close to what I want. Somehow, and I’ll be fucked if I know exactly how, but we took a great foundation for a relationship and turned it into…this. I feel too damn old to be bothered with friends with benefits and if I wanted a roommate I’d see what Riley was doing. I want a fucking partner and you haven’t said anywhere near enough to get me to stay yet, Christian.”

I should have know it would hurt when it became obvious that ‘I love you’ is too little and a whole lot too late, shouldn’t’ve I?

My everything has already packed his bags, so here goes whatever is left and still hanging on.

“I doubt I’m going to do a great job at explaining this, Jay, so you’ve…I know you don’t owe me any favours, but, please try not to jump all over me when I take the scenic route to my…explanation is as good a word as any I guess.”

The fact Jared doesn’t say anything is the only answer I’m going to get, isn’t it?

“I’m not like people think I am, when it comes to emotions and everything, you know that, I know you do. But…but when I get scared, it fucks with my head and I guess that means I fuck with everything else.”

“We’ve done the ‘I’m scared’ thing, Christian.”

“Yeah, well, I guess we’re doing it again. If you want me to make something up, Jared, I will, but if you want the truth of what’s in my head, shut up and let me give it to you.”

Or at least try to, anyway.

“I’ve been fucking scared you’d leave since the day we walked out of that theatre, whenever the hell that was. The feeling has never gone away, Jared. Never. Yeah, I should have said something, but I’m only human and there’s only so much I put out there to deal with. Every fucking day we’re continually dealing with the limitation of my body and I just couldn’t face actually saying the words ‘tell me you won’t leave me’.”

“I would have understood, I could have-“

“No, you wouldn’t have and you couldn’t have because it was *always* on my fucking mind. You might have understood for the first few months, but what about after that? When you started accusing me of not trusting you, of not having faith in you, what would you have done to reassure me then? I look at you and I see perfection, I look at me and I see whatever’s left. I resent my body, and it was only getting worse, how the hell can you think look at me and think everything is all okay? God knows I can’t.”

“I’m not you.”

No shit, Sherlock.

Thank god I’m not hooked up to any monitors anymore because the nurses would probably think I was having a heart attack if they could feel the pounding in my chest right now.

Jared’s still standing at the foot of my bed, not moving. Hell, he’s barely blinking.

“You honestly think that little of me, Chris?”

“You’re not listening, Jared, this isn’t about you. I can’t get past what’s in my own head to even start on what must be in yours.”

“And all of this explains why you couldn’t be bothered telling your parents about me?”

I highly doubt it.

“I was convinced I wouldn’t have you forever so I didn’t want to share what I did have with anybody. And I didn’t want to have to deal with the pity that’d come my way when you were gone!”

“I wasn’t going anywhere!”

Jared’s hands are clenched around the bed rail that tightly that his knuckles are completely bloodless. It doesn’t take a genius to realise that piece of metal isn’t want he really wants to be strangling. 

“You couldn’t have guaranteed that!”

“Well you sure as fuck managed to guarantee I wouldn’t stay!”

“Yeah, I did.”

Maybe it’s not what I meant to do, but, yeah, I wouldn’t have placed a bet against it. 

“Are you done talking, or explaining, now?”

I wish.

“No, I guess I’m not so you might as well hear it all. I…just after you left for Prague my feet started getting lazy for want of a better word. They were kind of hard to lift, slow to do what I wanted them to do, and the pain found a whole new level of fucking agony. When I told my therapist, she made me do the whole x-ray, scan two-step and they found the degeneration was what they had originally predicted it would be in about five years. I was going down, and I hated it. I also knew I wouldn’t be able to ride, not even just around the yard with Gemma, and I wanted one last ride, real ride, by myself. I wanted to feel the power of the horse between my legs and just ride.”

All I can do is punctuate my speech with a shrug because I know I’m not explaining it right. 

“I just wanted to be free, one last time. I don’t know what happened, whether Mikey spooked at a rattler or what…I don’t even know if I got my ride before I fell. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I can’t help thinking you’ll end up resenting me and my body. That you’ll end up hating the only way we can have sex, and of course, now we can’t even do it that way. My best case scenario fucking sucks, so what’s gonna happen if we don’t even get that much?”

“So this is all about sex? I can’t stick my cock in your ass so I’m outta here?”

“What do you want me to say Jared? Yes? No? I’m trying to give you the explanation you wanted and yes, sex is a huge part of it, I’m barely forty years old, and to me you’re still a fucking baby, sex is meant to be a huge part of our lives.”

“So is being honest with each other.”

“Yeah, well, my bad. Go on, punish me, I dare you to make me feel worse than what I already do.”

No, it’s not the attitude I should be adopting, but I don’t know what else to say. Why can’t he just admit that once in a while what we have to deal with does get him down? Maybe, weirdly, that’d actually make me feel better.

“Do you want me to stay? Just straight up, do you actually want me to stay?”

There’s still a part of me, a very big rather loud part, that actually wants to say, no, just leave, get all over this over with so I can hurry up and become the bitter old man I’m probably destined to be.

But my heart wants none of it.

“Yes.”

I absolutely refuse to put any kind of ‘but’ after that simple word no matter how many of them are swimming around my head just dying to be voiced. 

“Okay then, if I stay what is going to stop us from having this dance all over again in six months time?”

‘Because it’ll be a good twelve months before I can dance’ is not the right answer here, is it? It’s almost a better answer than the one I have to give though.

“I…I don’t know. I wish more than anything that I had a magical answer for you, Jay, but I don’t. If you need that answer then…then I guess this is it.”

Please don’t let this be the end of everything, please. I don’t know how to do this with Jared, but I don’t want to know how to do it without him.

“You’d let me walk out the door?”

All I can do is shrug. Again.

“It’s not like I can follow you. At least not now. When I’m done with hospitals and rehabs, and if you haven’t replaced me, there’d probably be some chasing then.”

Jared lets go of the bed railing and takes a step closer to me and it makes me feel like I’m the one that won the Oscar.

“That’s the one thing you have never quite gotten, isn’t it? You’re not replaceable, you’re not a stopgap measure, I want to be with you. I’m in love with you and that kinda falls into the non transferable category of life.” 

“Do you…do you want to stay? With me I mean.”

The qualification is just in case I have convinced him I really am that stupid.

There’s another step in my favour.

“Yeah, I do. But there are conditions, Christian. Well, really I guess it just boils down to one condition because if we do this I think everything else will fall into place.”

I have absolutely no idea what’s about to come out of Jared’s mouth, but it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.

“Okay.”

Shaking his head, Jared moves until he’s standing beside me.

“No, this is something you can’t agree to without knowing what it is, it’s too important for that. You…you have issues Christian, and I don’t know how to deal with them which makes them my issues as well, which is all totally separate from me thinking the whole use and abuse me thing is okay. We’re going to make this work, there is no if, but we need some help. I think…I think we should both see a therapist, or another therapist I guess since we’ll both be seeing plenty of your OT and physical therapist if I stay. But, I want to see one that’ll help us – together, on our own, whatever it takes. I love you, Christian, more than anything, but I can’t keep doing this roller coaster if I want to save my sanity. And it’s not fair on you either. So, yeah, that’s it.”

There’s still no question in my mind about doing this, not if this is what I have to do, but there’s something I think Jared needs to know.

“This is not a no, in fact it’s a huge yes, I’ll do it, but you…I saw somebody after the first accident, Jay. They, being pretty much everybody I ever knew, made me, after all I’d just lost everything that was my life up until that moment. I’m not saying it didn’t work, it did in certain areas, it just didn’t…because there was nobody in my life at that point in time everything that we went through was all hypothetical and more than likely none of it sunk in. But even with it all being pretend, it wasn’t pretty – I wasn’t pretty. I threw shit and spewed words that I’m kind of glad only the guy paid to keep his mouth shut heard. I’ll be honest, the thought of you seeing that side of me is a whole new area of fear we haven’t ventured into yet.”

“Chris, as long as we’re together, we’ll deal. But even so, I’m not going into this thinking it’ll all be sunshine and roses. We’ll both say shit we don’t want the other one to hear, but don’t you get it, at the end of the day there will be Christian and Jared. If we both keep saying nothing much of anything there’ll be Christian, there’ll be Jared but the ‘and’ won’t be there.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

There’s an actual smile when Jared strokes a finger over the back of my hand. From me and from him.

“I rely on you for the complications, Christian, you’ll find them. But you’ve got to help me fix them as well. Okay, our life isn’t going to be…well, it’ll never be boring, but as far as the physical stuff goes, bad shit happens to good people, the end. Of course, you will be listening to your doctors and not aggravating everything, but in some respects we’re lucky, Christian, because we have a clue as to what variety of shit to expect. Very few people get that.”

Turning my hand palm up, I let my fingers play against Jared’s.

“Only you’d see that as a good thing.”

“I see so much good in what we have, baby, and someday soon, you will too.”

“I see incredible beyond words in you.”

I see my life in Jared, and one day I’ll tell him that. When I can make him understand that I’m not talking about my legs.

There’s something else I need to tell him though.

“You know I’m still scared, don’t you?”

Finally Jared is tangling his fingers around mine. I’m touching him. I have a part of him I can hold on to, which is probably what I needed all along.

“I know. I am too. I never told you that before, did I? I’m just as scared as you are. I should have, I don’t know if it would have helped, but I should have told you.”

“It would have been…I could have done with knowing it wasn’t just me.”

“It’s not. Absolutely nothing between us is just you.” 

Jared’s whole body is twitching, like he wants to do something but he doesn’t know how to. I know emotional exhaustion when I see it.

“Pull the chair up, darlin’, sit down before you fall down.”

Somehow Jared manages to get the chair closer without letting go of my hand. I’d like to say he sat down in the seat, but honestly it was more of a sag.

“Are you okay?”

Even as he’s nodding his yes, Jared is biting his lip fighting against the trembling that’s threatening to turn into out and out shaking.

“Hey, Jay, it’s okay. Well, it’s not, but it’s going to be, we’ll work on it until it is.”

“I…I almost l-lost you. D-do you understand th-that? You w-were almost gone.”

It doesn’t matter if he means the leaving me thing, or the dead thing, I get it. I understand that Jared has been as strong as he knows how, but he’s out of reserves now.

“You didn’t though, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”

Jared just nods, once. Like he knows where I am, and here is where I’d better be staying.

“I’m going to stay.”

I guess it also meant decision made.

“I probably don’t have-”

The look Jared gives me stops my words. And, yeah, I get it.

“Okay, enough of the negativity. Can you kiss me, please?”

It’s what I want more than anything now that I know our kiss won’t taste of goodbye.

As Jared leans forward, all I’m thinking about is his kiss, but instead of warm lips, Jared buries his face against my neck. His grip on my hand tightens and even though it’s as awkward as fuck, my other arms gets thrown over his shoulders, laying there and holding him the best way I can when I’m stuck in a hospital bed. 

“I told you once I’d love you one day, didn’t I? I think I already did when I said that, but I was, well, yeah, you know what I was.”

Jared doesn’t say a word, but I can feels his tears and, let’s face it, that speaks volumes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything that I should have, but most of all I’m sorry you heard ‘I love you’ for the first time when you were just about to leave. I’m sorry it came to that. To this.”

Only lifting his head enough to make his words heard, Jared takes a shuddering breath before he speaks.

“You could tell me again, now that we’ve decided that neither of us are leaving.”

“I love you, Jared Padalecki.”

My only reply is one of Jared’s blinding smiles, even if it is more than a little tired around the edges.

“Don’t you ever do this to me again, Christian. Ever. There’s a list of a million things I can live without, but none of them are you.”

There was something else I was going to say, I think, but Jared’s made his decision, and his lips against mine seal it.

And everything is there in the kiss. The gentle, the heat, the love, the fear.

The promise.

The plea.

It’s everything.

And when it’s over I realise that I don’t ever want this to be over.

“I’m going to love you for the rest of my life, Jared Padalecki.”

“After all of this, you’d fucking better, Christian Kane.”

Pulling the world’s most uncomfortable chair even closer to the bed, Jared sits there, still holding my hand, still shaking and by some freak of nature still loving me.

My free hand strokes through his hair, before trailing down his spine for as far as I can reach. When I’ve gone as far as I can, my fingers just pet Jared’s back, over and over.

“Is there something you need to be doing, darlin’?”

“Other than be with you? No, I’m good.”

Fifteen minutes later, Jared has given into everything that’s been riding him these past weeks and he’s sound asleep, his head resting on the bed beside my waist. He’s close enough that I can stroke my fingers through the curls of hair to make sure he stays that way.

An hour later Momma comes in looking just as tired as Jared was, but when she sees him, the smile that gets is one I haven’t seen…well, it’s kind of obvious how long it’s been since anybody saw it. She kisses my temple before quietly sitting down on what is currently being referred to as my not so good side.

“So, Christian Michael, is there something you should be telling me?”

Yeah, I think there is.

“I’ve met somebody, Momma, his name is Jared.”

“Well, don’t leave it at that, sweetheart, keep going.”

“He’s incredible, Momma. I mean, he’s this huge dork, laughs too loudly at stupid stuff, can’t dance or sing to save himself despite him thinking he can and has zero fashion sense, which coming from me is saying something. He’s an actor, and while he lost his way a little while back, he’s actually not bad at the whole gig.”

Mom just smiles, she gets it.

“But it’s the other stuff that makes him amazing. He’s beautiful but he’d never admit it, not even to himself. He’s a lot like me when it comes to family, he’ll want everybody to meet everybody else and be devastated if all the everybodys don’t get along. There’s this amazing strength that comes from somewhere deep inside of him and that’s just one more thing he doesn’t see. But it’s a strength that you…I could use against him, thinking he’ll always be there, that he’ll take everything and keep coming back for more.”

“Nobody like that keeps coming back forever, Christian. Sometimes they use that strength to walk away.”

“I know.”

My fingers are still carding through Jared’s hair. It doesn’t bother me if he wakes up and hears this conversation, he’ll hear these words himself soon, it’s just that right now he needs the sleep more.

“Just as long as you do, sweetheart, because it’s a fine line to tread. Having somebody show you that’s what’s inside of them and trusting you to help them find the pieces when they break. It’s a power you have over somebody and should be treated like Superman’s Kryptonite because it can have the same effect.”

“You couldn’t tell me this before hand, Momma?”

“Now why would I do that, Christian? I didn’t know you had a Jared.”

That’s as close as Mom will get to call me out over my behaviour, but it’s plenty close enough for me. Mom has never needed to scream to make her point very clear and very sharp. 

“You can meet him when he wakes up, Mom.”

“That would be nice, but I don’t think you’re done telling me about him just yet, are you?”

Momma wants the good stuff, just to satisfy her ‘that’s my baby’ instinct. Despite the fact her baby has been an utter jackass.

“He…He loves with everything he has, Momma. He doesn’t always get it right, nobody does, but he keeps on trying. He’s so much more than me in that regard, Momma, because he gets up when he gets knocked down, I stay down to save myself the fall next time. Jared loves his family, his friends, they’re everything to him, but he’s everything to me. He loves me, Mom, Jared kept the most unique and special part of that love for me. How…how do I ever make it so that I’m worthy of that?”

“Oh baby, you don’t. There is no one thing you can do that’ll give you the gold star you’re looking for. But when you spend the rest of your time on this earth trying to do it and the person you’ve been trying to be worthy of is sitting beside you when you draw your last breath, that’s when you know you succeeded.”

As Mom strokes her hand along the side of my face, Jared starts to stir.

“I’ve got a lot to make up for, Momma.”

“That’s okay, Christian, you’ve got plenty of time. Just don’t waste it, child, I don’t know of anybody that has as many lives as a cat, not even you.”

It’s my laughter that gets Jared pushing himself upright, blinking as he tries to focus on me, then Mom.

“Hey, darlin’.”

“Hi.”

You can tell the second Jared notices Mom, his body is instantly doing its stone pillar imitation.

“Jay, I’d like you to meet my mom. Momma, this is my Jared.”

With my words Jared looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and Mom looks at me like I’ve finally gotten a clue.

“Jared, I’m so glad to meet you, you have no idea how happy it makes me to know Christian has somebody so special to him.”

Jared just looks all kinds of confused.

“I…ahh…thank you, Mrs Kane.” 

“No, there will be none of that Mrs Kane business. I’ve brought Jennifer and Christian up to call me Momma and when Jennifer’s husband Mark joined our family, he was under instructions that I’d be Momma to him as well. I’ve been waiting so many years for Christian to bring somebody into our family and since it took him so long to do so, I want to enjoy having you around as soon as I possibly can. I’d like to be Momma to you as well, Jared, if that would okay with you, and your own lovely mother.”

“I think…I’d like that, Momma.”

That’s when Mom moves, around to Jared, taking his face in her hands.

“Welcome to the family, Jared. Thank you for loving my mule headed son.”

With a quick kiss to his cheek, Mom lets Jared go but doesn’t step away from him.

“Okay, now, I’m going for coffee. Jared, would you like some? I’m not asking you, Christian, you’re not allowed to drink and that’s that.”

Oh yeah, that’s that alright.

“I’d love some coffee. If you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t. I’ll be back in a few, boys, be good.”

As I turn to watch Mom walk out of the room I can’t help but wonder, is there a mother on the planet that gets the concept of subtle, or am I just lucky?

When I turn back to Jared he’s still looking confused. Very, very confused.

“Jay?”

“What happened when I was asleep?”

This one is easy.

“Mom came in and I told her all about the man I love. I told her about the bad singing, and the even worse clothes. Then I told her that I don’t really deserve you, but I’ve decided I’ll fight like hell to keep you. I know I’ve never told you, and I still don’t feel like it’ll come out right, but I need you, Jared, I need you with me, I need to know you’ll come home to me, I just need and I think that’s what scares me most.”

When Jared grabs both my hands, holding them as tightly as he can, I wish more than anything this bed would disappear and I could feel his arms.

But it’s something to look forward to.

“I get it, baby, honest, I do. Because…what I feel for you blows my mind and I don’t know how I’d survive without it, not anymore.”

I have from now until the end to make sure he never has to try.

“You’re everything, Jay. That’s the only word I have for it, my Jared is my everything.”

“My Christian is my world.”

“Fuck, I want to be able to hold you.”

And thank god Momma’s not back with that coffee. I am not too old to be threatened with the soap for my potty mouth, trust me.

“We’ll get there. And it’ll be worth the wait.”

“Yeah, you’ll be worth the wait and then some.”

Jared’s laughing right up until his lips press against mine, and his tongue is asking for entrance as soon as I feel his touch. This is no soft welcome back home full of gentle lips and loving emotion, no, this kiss is hungry, demanding and the start of some very long foreplay. It’s Jared that finally pulls back, but it’s both of us that are panting.

“I love you, Jared Padalecki. I love you for no other reason than you’re you.”

“Good, because I turn into George Clooney for no man.”

Mom walks into both of us laughing and even though she has no idea what’s going on, she starts laughing too.

It feels good to laugh, but to hear Jared and Mom laugh? That feels like I’m king of the world.

Without a doubt, my body is fucked. But my life? Well, it’s amazing what can happen when you open your eyes, because suddenly I can see that my life is going to be absolutely fucking amazing.

Starting now.

**Author's Note:**

> Another one that too many people helped with and they are amazing


End file.
